Not living up to her fullest potential since 1976

2011-02-13T08:19:00.002-05:00

Still only going ot see Zack. Such is how my crazy life works. Not sure if I want to see Jason. Well, that is a lie, ofcourse I want to see Jason, its jst his reaction I fear, or if she comes in with him. Dunno how things will happen. Only time will tell and I stop needing to worry about the what ifs. Jason may not want me back anymore. He may have fallin into something with her, and he wants to see where this goes. That is why he wants to keep me arond. To make sure he has his love and devotion from me. And, he knows that I will forgive him and give back the love that he maynot trully deserve. He doesn't have to give up his love for me either. Such a double life, but he expects me to be faitful now that I am on probation. Oh when whill it end?

Areally fucked up situastion

2011-02-13T07:39:00.002-05:00

Jerry Spinger called me and wants Jason and I to go on there

i melt with yoiu

2011-02-12T07:00:00.003-05:00

So TODAY is the day that I get to see Zack. I wonder if I will see Jason too. Part of me wants too and psart of me is like you are past him. I know when I see him I am gonna melt.

Good Karma

2011-02-11T15:26:00.002-05:00

Went back to the soup kitchen today, and it felt really good to be there. I am feeling great that I could cook for the people in need. I needed to get off the couch and do something positive.

My self worth is a little boosted, and my funk is still there, I just took a 5 1/2 hr break from it.

Heard from Jason today. Still don't know where he was or where he is. I couldn't chat with him. Still don't know how much I care.

happy

2011-02-11T06:11:00.000-05:00

I get to go and see Zack today. YAY!

a thought

2011-02-09T23:39:00.003-05:00

Not quite sure what to do with the knowledge that I have now. Not just about her lard ass, or her lard ass feeding him and letting him sell oxy80's. Someone asked me why I loved Jason, and I was hard pressed to answer. I MEAN, almost everything that I could think of was followed with an except... HE really has not done right by me. I have supported him, finacially, mentally, emotionally. I can't say that he has done the same for me. Esp as of late, telling me I was stupid for going into the psych ward and the like. Keeping me from Zack by having this other girl. By having her around. By using drugs. By selling them.

I should demand that he become a different man. That he make those changes. That he dump her. That he stops the drugging. And I don't care about pot. Its the other stuff. That he gets a job and starts paying bills. That he comes home.

He needs to grow up and be a man.

Or maybe I just need to move on.

Doing a happy dance not

2011-02-09T19:27:00.003-05:00

I just heard that Jason's other gf is a big ton of lard. I mean I am a bbw, she is a BIG woman.
And she is keeping me from my son.

A run for my money

2011-02-09T07:05:00.002-05:00

Still trying to decide if I am going to put up with this bullshit of being the girl on the side. Part of me is like eh, you love him, so you you will quit your bitching. Is that such a bad thing? To play along with the game? Just so I have him? How can I show that I have changed? How can he know that I really am done with providing? How long can he string that out? And how long can I hold out? Both by being strung along, and by being tempted by the money? Esp. with him having another gf. I know he feels like I have been cheating for over a year and he can do this to me while he decides. I tried to tell him that it was not fair, but he didn't think the past year was fair. Even though he spent the money freely.

Its gonna be a wait and see thing that is what it is. I either have to accept it and deal with it, or forget about it, and move on.

And that's what I am on the fence about.

Arrrgh

2011-02-08T09:05:00.002-05:00

Talking to Jason now and he won't break up with Tina until he sees that I have changed. How is that fair to me? THen again, how was I fair to him by providing? It gives me pause to think about it, and kind of pisses me off, but what am I to do? I can only put up with it as I continue to work on being me. I did speak my mind this morning and say it isn't fair but it is what it is. HEre I am again, the other woman in Jason's life. Him saying that he loves me, wants to be with me, but he is with another woman. Am I strong enough to do this again? Right now, I don't think so. My heart hurts so much. I am pissed that I fell for it again. It is like such a mind fuck.

Hah today

2011-02-07T18:06:00.003-05:00

Had a job interview today that I think went really well. Now its up to the background check. That should be okay. I just want to show Jason that I am changing. Leaving ym oldways and old lifestyle behind me. Now it is not giving into temptation.

THerapy was great today. We cleared some room to the main issue. I feel a crack on the confusion. And feel a step closer to being the beest me I can be. But first I need to be me. Which scares the hell out of me.

A new day

2011-02-04T14:54:00.003-05:00

Well, I found out last night that I am gonna be an aunt. I am so excited for my brother and sister-in-law! I went out with my brother and he told me.
Had a very good dinner with my brother, and we talked about a lot of things. We covered a lot of groudn and I think we closed some of that gap that is between us. I am very happy for that. I want to be closer to him and his wife. I want to get back to being closer to my family.

Jason again said that he still loves me and wants to be with me. I want to believe that, but it is hard not to tweek out because he is still with his gf. So until she is out of the picture, I will be a doubting Thomas. It is hard not to let my heart just take over and be so happy and light. He is also happy that I have two job interviews next week. They both look promising. If I get one of those jobs, then I will get back some of the respect that I have lost by escorting. It will be more proactive then what this is, even though finacially I will be taking a loss. I have done that before so no biggie. It will just be the temptation of giving in and doing it for a quick buck that I will have to stay strong against.

BReaking News!

2011-02-03T12:35:00.002-05:00

I am over the moon at this. Last night Jason, who has been very civil towards me the past few days, told me that he still loves me and wants to be with me. But he wants things to change. Meaning no more providing. He wants me to be all his, and that is all that I want. So we agreed to get back together. He was going to have to choose between me, Tina and Stacey. Tina is his current gf and whom he is with right now. He is there till Sunday. Why? IDK. I don't quite understand it. I don't understand if he has a ride on Sunday why he can't get a ride today. Is it just more of his bullshit lies, like how he told me he was going with TIm yesterday when I knew damn well that he wasn't and that girl Stacey had also told me he was going to Tina's? Or is it that he doesn't want to break plans with her for me? Or maybe that Tina will not give a ride home then. I think that is the case and no one will go and get him where he is at. So he is up there, being her boyfriend for the rest of the week. ANd that is really bothering me. I am trying not to be reactive to the situation, and be proactive by applying for jobs and the like. I just want to be able to tell him, LOOK how serious I am about being with you. Not that it will change where he comes home sooner.
Ultimately, I want him to come home with me. Get a job here and settle into a nice life. Get away from all the craziness and drama and temptation. Get into some counselling for the depression and anger. Maybe do some couple counselling to help get us back to where we need to be.
I know its going to be a slow road, a lot of trust building on both sides, a lot of dispelling doubts, reassuring each other. Changing behaviors and giving up things on both sides, which we agreed to. If we both have to avoid social networking sites that we favor, then so be it. Its for the greater good.
I am also more empowered and less fragile than I was before. Or at least I am working on it. And that means that I can't give away my power to him. That is sure gonna be a relationship shift, but a positive one, one for the be t.
I am also getting a taste of my own medicine by feeling this way, being driven crazy by the situation the way I put Jason in that position each and every time I had a "date".

Such a slacker....really 2008?

2011-01-31T18:59:00.002-05:00

Wow really, 2008? Boy do I suck. or maybe you should stalk my facebook for more frequent updates, lol.

Today is a good day. A great day. Aint nuttin gonna breaka my stride aint nothin gonna slow me down, oh no I got to keep on movin.....................

Ah that being said, grab a cup of joe, settle in and read what has been my life in the past two years in a nutshell. I think I will do them in bullet point, and then expand later. Trust me there's been alot. Any questions just ask.

First I am not with asshole A. He was an asshole, who, even though he was terminally ill, was still an asshole. He wanted to change me and make me what he was, an addict, and cure me, without healing himself. He was my worst respiratory patient, and a daily frustration
I was in the adult psych unit in May of 2008.
I quit my job at the eye docs. just didn't work out. too many panick attacks to attend work.
I moved on to Jason, asshole B. He hid things from me, like how many kids he had to how many different women, his addictions and his temper. We got pregnant right away and had the little man. We gave the little man up for adoption to Jason's sister.
I am an escort. Been one for 2.5 years. I love it.
Jason hates it and thinks I am cheating on him for the sake of cheating on him.
Little man's adoptive mom still needs to spend time in a bar. Like all day.
Jason left me while I was pregmant for a 22 y/o and they moved to florida. HE came home with scabies.
I spent time in the psych unit pregnant, he told me it was my own stupidity that put me there, and left soon after that.
Jason came back, was there for little man's birth and we gave him over, with much sadness.
We lived well together, till he went back to work. THen it was booze all the time.
he got in a jam with child support and spent time in jail, which I bailed him outl.
He beat me.
He smashed my laptop monitor because I was on indys.com
he messed around with a 17 y/o neighbor and had suckerbites all over his neck from her, and when I was confronting him ans smaking him, he beat me
I forgave him, but was in fear of him
he got caught on a child support arrage and I paid it out of ho dough
I toured extrensivley.
he hated it even though I paid the bills.
he didn't work and I paid the bills, plus our luxuries like alcohol and tobacco.
he moved with his sister
we had xmas and he got me nothing
he didn't spend anything on any of his kids. THe ones that got gifts were my doing
I still got him drunk and high
he flipped my last pgh trip and went to be with a 20something yo
he spent my money on her
he has told me how wonderful she is.
I tried to kill myself
spent a week in the psych ward
He no wants me to do it as a sign of my love
his hostility comes from my cheating
even though he cheated
he is trying to jam me up for welfare fraud.
Zack is still not afopted. May not sign the papers
Jason being a dick. Trying to be strong against it.

that is me in a 2 year nutshell. More tomorrow....

The date that wasn't

2008-12-17T17:31:00.002-05:00

Or lessons in patience.

Well, I had hoped today to have a 'date' with T. A quiet day, dinner and a movie here, so he could return to be home with his nephew for bedtime....except he ended up being busy with the church. And the same with tommorrow.

I think that we are destined to not date....

And I know how overdramatic that sounds. Hence why it is a lesson in patience. I mean, I can't expect the guy to change overnight, nor would I want him too.

But then why am I being such an ass about this?

Maybe its because I am.

Maybe i need a hobby.

thoughts.......

2008-12-16T07:24:00.000-05:00

Well, I ended up just going to bed. Seemed like the easiest thing to do at the time. Over think, or well, sleep. Wise choice, eh? Why rock the boat? Especially when it is my own neuroses that is tripping me out. I got a good night and a good morning kiss without asking or prompting. J
Maybe I need to remember that it is NOT about me, and that he is very devoted to his family. And that nothing is wrong, or about me when he is doing his thing….as he has done for the past 39 years. Instead of over thinking it or worrying, I should sit back, appreciate it and enjoy someone so loyal.
Bill is well, Bill. He is on a torrent about T and I, and worries that I am rushing in to a relationship. Like he did. And he is unhappy. Well I am sorry that I got to know T first and I am okay with him. I enjoy him and am comfortable around him. I am not looking for a marriage proposal, but just someone to be with, to spend time with. Like I said, my frustrations are that I feel that we should be more of a priority of than I am. And that is just selfish of me.
Also, I realize that Bill still cares. Part of me still cares for him, but damn….he lately is pouring it out. Calls me when certain songs are on, wants me To stop n Think about T, to decide what I want. Wants me to take time for me (like I haven’t been !?!?!) Okay, isn’t that another reason that we are taking it slowly? Bill is acting very jealous, and I am growing weary. I realize that he cares. I realize that he may want me back. But the jealousy is just no reason to it. Oh, okay I get he wants me. But God damn it! I am 32 years old and can choose who I see to date. He got mad at me and spouted off, well, I am going to go see AMY! Go for it….I went to bed.

Too much time

2008-12-15T13:46:00.003-05:00

So I have been on an overthinking kick. I dont know if part of it is that this relationship is so new and I want instant gratification of the situation. Part of it may be that not knowing, the normal phase of at the begining, well, I want to rush by it....To get past it, the ackwardness. to know. But this isn't 20 questions or jr high? Not like i can hand out a form, asking him to fill in the blanks and finish 4 essays so i can know all about him.

AAARRRGH

Why am i like this....why is this an obsession? a compulsion, wanting to fix the waiting game.

Or am I just this damn impatient\?

What I'd like to know....to ask you....

2008-12-15T13:28:00.002-05:00

WHY!!!! why me? All the years, for crazy, mixed up, messed up me?
What do you want? What do you expect?
What do you need?
Where do you want this to go?
how far? How fast? How much is too much? How far can I go?
when am I too much? when am I over the top?
who do you want me to be? or need me to be?

stop it girl

2008-12-15T13:17:00.002-05:00

sometimes i wonder if i am pushing for too much too fast.
because i want it that way?
i am used to it that way?
but am i pushing him away?
making it uncomfortable.
Stop girl! Get off that train!
was that what he liked?
Neediness?
Pressure?
aggressiveness?
or was it Strength? sense of self? Inner charm and peace?
you know the answer
you make the choice
you can have that
what you want
its in your reach
or you can stay
it is a choice
it is mine

A new start

2008-12-13T05:59:00.003-05:00

So this is the start of my journal. We see how long I keep up with this. J
I have been hanging out over at my friends for the past several days. A lot of things have happened over here. Bill was demanding that I go home, that I not spend the night, ect. To behave ‘like a normal person’. later the arguing starter, as it always does. Then the name calling…then someone got on the phone and got smart with him, egging him on . Bill kept stepping it up, an screaming and threatening. It was bad. It made me sick because I knew the conversation was unnecessary and I knew it was just going to get crazy. Boy was I right….I got crazy and stupid, with Bill driving here and looking for the dude. I know that he was armed, as well as mugged. I think that he may have even drank as well. I swear I heard him drive by once or twice. It creeped me out.
I think that I am finally over him in my heart. I can’t take the bs any more. I just don’t know that I can be friends with him. He is too much….
He is Bill.

On the upswing I am dating. He is a very nice man and a gentleman to boot. We are taking it very sloooooow. Sometimes I wonder if it isn’t too slow, but it is what it is. And I must say that it feels so wonderful and soothing to just cuddle up in his arms on the couch or be held by him. This happened the same day as all the Bill craziness was going on. So we had a tense start. The other thing that I can say about T is that he is very understanding and forgiving. He has given me a clean slate with which to start, and it has lightened my mind and my heart. I can't express to him what he has done for me. I only hope that one day he understands how it moves me to tears to think about it, and how it has changed my life. He is so anti-Bill that it is not funny. And I am glad that I have got to know him a bit before starting this. This relationship is so opposite of Bill and I's. Not that there weren't good times. But this is refreshing....T and i share very chaste kisses and hand holding. For now.....

update

2008-11-29T16:52:00.003-05:00

So Bill is still seeing that skanky girl. To the point that he and I are over. Really truly over. It is so hard to face. Esp after he says that he loves me, and that he is coming to Johnstown. But he is with her, and I am not welcome to stay with him, because of the situation.
I am not welcome in his hime. And that is per his mom.
I guess she took our photo down.
Only took her two years to put it up.

He has his 21 y/o skank and I am alone....

And you wonder why I am suicidal. I love him with everything, and well, he doesn't.

Maybe I need to take a hint and move on too.

AAAARG

2008-11-10T06:15:00.003-05:00

Okay, so here is the deal, a lot has happened. I have quit my job at the eye place and taken up a new one. I am an escort....I enjoy being an escort. I make decent money at it.

That being said, Billy doesn't like it. We have been at odds over it for a few months now. He even is trying to move on with another (skanky) girl. It is hard, I need the money, I want the money, and yet, he is being manipulative about it. Calling me a whore, and my whore money. ( I personally like ho dough, as it has taken care of the majority of my XMAS shopping and paid my bills ).

I totally see his point, and why he is hurt and upset....believe me. But honestly, to just move on when we were okay last week? GRRRRRR.

And this bitch was trying to move in on him all along. UGH!

Reactive yet nonreactive

2007-10-21T21:21:00.000-04:00

I have some answers to my earlier questions....

Or at least better behaviors...

I need to not react to his reactions...he expects it, and goes on the defensive....So when I just bite my tongue, and let it go till he cools down...it makes us better...stronger...

Maybe I am just picking and choosing my battles...or battleground...or battle conditions....

Maybe I am actually having an adult relationship!

Questions

2007-10-21T19:53:00.000-04:00

Why does my actions get questioned? Why are my basic needs ignored for progit. Why does everyone claim to want to be part of the solution, but when push comes to shove, they don't follow thru. I guess $1000 is worth more to someone than giving me a life back. Enabling me is worth less than that.

Why can we question my behaviours, but others are above reproach?

Why can we spend my minutes, but can't waste yours?

Lean on Me

2007-10-21T19:51:00.000-04:00

Sometimes it sucks to be the responsible one. I'm tired of being the one that can be counted on, the dutiful one. We all have things we'd rather do...but I'm tired of looking like the fuck up all the time.

sick

2007-10-16T07:52:00.000-04:00

....I cannot go to school today said little Peggy Anne McKay....

This starts the poem "Sick" By Shel Silverstein. She goes thru a gammant of illnesses and why she cannot go to school, only to find out its Saturday...

I feel like hell. Stomache upset-achey hell. And my tolerance level issub-zero, so I took today off. Yesterday we were swamped, short staffed, and the customers weren't cooperating. One diddled around to the point that I wanted to scream, and my bus came early, meaning I missed it. TTB threw another temper tantrum. I am tired of it. I know if I go to my supe, she will know what I am talking about, but the hostility and animosity between them makes me wonder if I wouldn't be better off to talk to someone else about it.

On top of that, my guy got some devestating news that threw me for loop. His disease is progressing much faster. Even though he is a a candidate for transplant, his noncompliance with meds rules him out. So unless he gets better about that, he doesn't get better.

Yeah.

This hit me hard.

Its really why I am sick.

Wouldn't you be?

2007-10-14T21:02:00.000-04:00

this should be between us, but yet...its not...

they are my heart...I love them more than anything...if only I had the guts to say it or send it..

Dear Steph,
First off, let me say that I am sorry. More than you will ever know or realize. I mean this from every depth of my being.
Also let me say that I miss you. Even more I miss Gabbie and Josh. I miss the day to day life with you and them. They must be getting so big right now.
I am so sorry that my actions has taken me out of their life and away from you. I want you to know that there is not a day that goes by that I don’t regret what I did, or why I cannot speak to you. There are times that I want to reach out and pick up the phone, only to know that you won’t answer the other end. Again, I am sorry. I pray that one day you can forgive me, and maybe one day think fondly of me.
Until then, I wish you well, and know that you, Steve and the kids will always hold a special place in my heart.
BFFw/k&s
Becky

Sept 30th

2007-10-14T18:29:00.001-04:00

Sept 30th, 2007
Well I had an excellent birthday. I had a very relaxing morning where I just putzed around, checked my email and whatnot. Then we left and hit some yard sales. Then a racing open house where they had a # 3 car featured. And then we hit a flea market and from there we went to Boyds Country.
Boyds was awesome! I was so amazed at everything and could hardly contain myself. I know that I was grinning like an idiot, but I don’t care. All the displays were neat, and Each one was cuter than the next. I would be hard pressed to pick my favorite one. The coolest thing was that it was there 5th anniversary, so I enjoyed all the extra features. We couldn’t have picked a better day to go. It was sweet, and I even got a few (okay, a lot) of bears there. I was gonna pay for a few of my own, except my fella wouldn’t hear of it. That was awfully sweet of him, since I was picking up what I was willing to pay for. We even had lunch there. I loved every minute of it, and every inch of him for putting up with me.
From there we hit the Gettysburg outlets, and I picked up a few things, and then we went and had a very nice dinner. It was nice to get dressed and go out for a change. The food was delicious, and the company superb.
We came home and canned spaghetti sauce after a trip to Wal-mart. It took some time, but it was worth the effort. Most of my tomatoes were bruised in the effort, but what can you do? At least I tried, right?
We got to the best part of the day, cuddling. I just love laying there next to him, with him rubbing my back or playing with my hair. Just the innocence and sweetness of it all. The day to day ness of it. We had hoped for some “alone time” but it didn’t pan out. Things happen and I was okay. He had a rough morning, and when he finally woke, not only did he pat the bed next to him, he asked my to lay with hm for a while. He wrapped my arm around him and curled it under him, holding my hand in both of his. That intimacy was what I had been asking for for a long time, and the sheer sincerity of it melted my heart. I almost wept at the tenderness of it, but just curled around him, content.
Later, as we were driving to the train station, he said that he was surprised that I didn’t fuss more about only making love once. I said yanno, when you look at the why we didn’t, it couldn’t be helped, and it wasn’t worth ruining a great visit over it. Also he was surmised that I didn’t fuss about a few other things and I told him that it just wasn’t worth the stress of it, that I looked at the big picture, and we would have another opportunity. It surprised him, since he was anticipating me making a stink. No stinks here this weekend.
I also told him that what we traded for physical intimacy was worth far more than that satisfaction we would have gotten from the physical act. That we needed to have these emotional bondings as well, and we built a nice foundation this weekend.

Sept 29th

2007-10-14T18:28:00.000-04:00

Sept 28th , 2007,
Well, I made it here in one piece. And, the trip was very relaxing. Even more relaxing was just spending time with my guy. I will say this, I have already gotten what I wanted for my birthday.
It wasn’t all rainbows and butterflies. I was late, and we had to be somewhere for 3pm. So that started the visit with some tension. Then in a hurry, I loaded my bags (all 3 plus a purse) in his truck, and caused a blemish. We were talking and laughing as we drove, but the sense of urgency was there. We had to meet someone at 3 pm, plus get a few things at two different stops.
He had an auction last night. A cleaning out his storage area/make some money. The turn out wasn’t as hoped. I honestly didn’t know what to do. And I didn’t want to buy to much, for fear that he’d try to pay me for it. So I just listened and did what I could.
After we were done cleaning up, his sister -in -law and her sister and little boy was there. It was nice to chat with them for a bit, but he was ready to go. I wanted to bite back, but I didn’t.
We went and had a nice quick bite where he works, and that stressed him a little since they were quite busy. He pitched in and helped. I resisted, since I was not asked, and felt like I was stepping on toes if I did so.
We came home and I took out my laptop to check my email, and hopefully post yesterday’s blog. Well, he was a little upset that I had one, given my bills and income and whatnot. His disapproval got me so mad! I was hurt, and I wanted to bite back, and say thins that were really low. That could have been really hurtful. Things that weren’t my place. Instead I put my lap top away and read my book (borrowed from the library, thank you very much!). Later on we discussed in private, and I said, look, I wanted one, I got one, I am gonna try to go back to school and work online. We were ok, but still I resisted the temptation to pick. Which, in the end turned out to be the best thing ever, because we ended the evening in each others arms, with him running his fingers up and down my back. I almost cried, because I was in such peace. And I almost cried because he had given me what I wanted for my birthday already. Time. Love. Comfort.

Training and trippin

2007-10-14T18:24:00.000-04:00

Sept 27th , 2007.
Training and tripping.
Right now I am somewhere in between Tyrone and Lewistown. Where exactly I cannot say. I am taking a now familiar route thru Central PA, to go see my guy. Of all the ways to get there, this must be the most relaxing and comfortable. Forget the bus. That outright sucked. I mean, in a pinch it would do, but for the most part, I am gonna forgo that mode of travel. Oh, don’t get me wrong, a car is nice, and certainly more direct, but the traffic can suck. Plus the scenery is beautiful. The quietness and gentle rocking of the train is enough to soothe this weary and worried soul. Plus the quiet gives you time to think. Good or bad, or both, but you get a chance to sort them all out. So I am enjoying this.
Don’t get me wrong. There are fustrations. Like my headphones not working, or trying to haul my overloaded suitcase up the steps as I am strapped down like a pack mule. Maybe I should have gotten a llama for the trip.
Which brings me to this. Why on earth do I pack so much shit? No seriously. I am a chronic over packer. it’s a given. Why I think that I will need so much is beyond me. I mean, maybe because I think that I will need it, or the in case shit happens…Like I am on a car with no electrical outlets, then I can read or crochet. Or I get cold. Or have a headache. Hell, I could plug my curling iron in and do my hair if I feel so inclined. Right now I don’t, but one never knows. Plus I am taking things to my guy, so maybe my load will be lighter the next trip. That or I need a second large bag.
But that is not the oddest thing that I have packed this trip. That would be the dozen or so tomatoes that I have packed. Why? Not like I am gonna make salsa on trip, (but I could I I so chose to.) No, I am taking them to my guy, so that he can make sauce or salsa or whatever. They are from the plants that we started from seed together. It was really his project, so he can have the maters. He just took about half when he went home, and I was left to tend to the rest, or neglect them, which was more often the case. To be honest, I have always had a black thumb when it came to gardening. I was known for “weeding” the garden, which in my case meant that I would pull the flowers and leave the weeds. My folks even put plants in that would take over and cover the fact that I was neglecting my little swatches of earth.
So this home grown tomato adventure, was an effort of love and determination. Oh I planted them. But, as my dad pointed out, they were already rootbound and too close together. So I dubbed the spot of yard “Survivor: Tomato Plant Island” and figured the hardiest would survive. The ensuing tangle of stalk and leaves became my tomato thicket. I just tomato halos to lift them up, only to have them sprawl out onto the staircase. It is my own little slice of heaven, pardon the pun.
So I have successfully raised a plant from seed, and tasted its fruits. It was pretty cool. Will I do it again, that I am unsure of. Maybe not 144 plants, maybe a garden on a smaller scale, but will consider trying it again.
Maybe that is a sign. I didn’t kill all of the plants, so my relationship with him shouldn’t wither and die yet either. And maybe I have neglected him, his feelings and needs. Not his physical needs, but discounting his beliefs and opinions. Maybe that is why we fight so much. I also know that even his mom has noticed how hard he can be on me. Maybe by not speaking up, I am feeding into that monster. Maybe I need to speak up and say “Whoa Buddy! That sucks!”
Who knows. But for now, I am being lulled by the gentle rocking, and all my bags are around me, and I think I may curl up with my pillow and blanket and pillow and nap!
J

Open heart open eyes

2007-09-26T22:26:00.000-04:00

Well, I have spoken to the boy several times yesterday and today. He has agreed to try one more time. I have some reservations about this. Is he just doing this for me? Because it is my b-day coming up? Is it because it was easier to give in? Is it because he really does care?

I don't know. I do know that I care alot about him. So we shall see. And take it one day at a time.

As for me. I am much better today. Even knowing that we were done, I came to a peace with myself. I know what I need to do to better myself. I know what help I need to be a better friend, co-worker, ect. If that means that I have a partner in the process, so be it. If not, I will know that I have tried my best.

And today, I got a makeover....YEAH!!

Eulogy to Us

2007-09-25T14:15:00.000-04:00

Well, I went and did it again. I had something good going in my life, and I self destructed and destroyed it. Apparently he reached his breaking point and had enough of my silly shit. What happened? Well, I got drunk. And then tried to lie and lie and say that I wasn't. He flipped. Hung up on me, so I kept calling him repeatedly. He is done with us. And it is right before my brithday. Oh I still get to go and spend the time with him, but it is as a friend only.

How hard is it going to be for me to not kiss those lips, or have him kiss mine?
To not be able to reach out and take his hand?
To be held in an embrace that makes it all go away?
To not be loved by the one I love?

I asked him to try, please, once more. He said how long can we keep trying? My answer is as long as it takes,

To him I have this to say:

I am glad to have met you, better to have known you, and grateful to be loved by you. You have touched my heart and soul in ways I thought weren't possible. You brought feelings into areas that I thought were dead. You gave me love when I thought I was unloveable. You gave me strength when I thought I was weak. You gave me hope when all I had was dispair. You gave me a shoulder on which to cry. You also gave me accountability for my actions, and made me grow as a person. You changed my life forever. My hopes, my dreams, my everything is different because of you. And for that I thank you. I will always love you, with everything that I have, unitl my last breath. You made me believe in love again, in workign things out. I am sorry for all of the hurt and the pain that I have caused you. I am . There will not be a day that goes by that I do not mourn the loss of you. To know that we are apart due to my own doing pains me to no end. It is hard to know that this kind of love is out there, and that my own foolishness tore it away. Its hard enough to find love, but then to toss it away, is hard. I miss you so badly that I ache. I long to be in your arms again, to kiss you, and to know that I can't sucks.

Just know, that no matter what, there is always a silly dollar store girl that loves you.

Still Not living up to fullest potential

2007-09-10T19:18:00.000-04:00

Okay, so I am a verrrryy bad blogger. Life happens. Shit happens.

I started a new job. It has been very challenging and I am learning a lot. It is very frustrating at times too. I struggle with my job responsibilities daily.

I have also been struggling with depression and panic attacks. I have had a brief hospitalization for it.

It has affected my work as well as my relationships. Luckily, I have fixed my bridges and asked for help instead of burning them.

Boyfriend is good. Boyfriend is real good. We get along. We actually went on vacation together. It rained almost the whole time. We survived it, and are growing each day. I thank God that I have someone as supportive as he is in my life. I can glad that I can grow with him and be the best person I can.

My family is my family. Wacky as always.

So much is my life

bad Blogger

2007-01-12T22:29:00.000-05:00

So I didn't promise you a rose garden..
or a daily update....
my bad...
2007 I will post...
about everything...
unless incarceration
interferes....

Loss of yellow is making me feel blue

2006-12-02T21:48:00.000-05:00

Okay not really..But I had to laugh....of all the things to post on my news homepage, its that the yellow Wiggle is retiring? What? The? F&%?

http://www.iht.com/articles/2006/11/30/news/wiggle.php

Now I am not making light of his illness or wish him ill will....No...but the fact that it is NEWS makes me giggle.

This is bigger than World AIDS day?

Where is Bono? Can I get him to weigh in on this?

Should we have a world summit?

Really...

There was none of this hoopla when they switced Darrens on bewitched.

Scooby Doo where are you?

2006-10-04T21:52:00.000-04:00

Well it has been almost two months since my last post....

Here are the highlights...

I gave DH his walking papers. He sent me a nsty letter...and I waited 3 weeks to respond...He responded and in response of my friend...a 180 from DH.

I got to know a guy I met at the $ dollar store...we went on a date...it got him sent to rehab...

I lost my best friend....thru a misunderstanding that I never got to explain....this pains me very much...

I have some new legal woes....

Gain some new friends....

I got promoted at the $ store...

Boyfriend comes back from rehab...

Hubby found out about the boyfriend...

Hubby leaves....

Boyfriend good...

Thru it all, work is work...

Friend goes on the run..

House searched....

Work is work...

$ store drama

2006-08-18T06:31:00.000-04:00

Current mood: aggravated

We have had new cashiers starting over the past few weeks. New blood, trying to get them trained so we can phase out some of the dead weight. Good plan right?
Well, after some interviews and paperwork not working out as hoped, we went with some B-listers. One of them was Stupid Sow.

We come to find out that she has a "condition". She's pregnant. No love from me there. I was like look, women in third world countries give birth in the field and continue to harvest the rice if they wanna eat, and those kids are fine. When she told me that, I was like, and its temporary and NOT life threatening. If you would have said you are hosting a parasite for the next nine months, that is correct. A condition it is not. You leasing your womb. Period. (My boss about died. But you know me & my mouth. Another boss was like, yeah, that's supperswep.) Did I metion that she is so concerned about her condition that she smokes like a fat kid at a buffet?

Yeah.

So Anyway, despite her surly and snippy attitude (again, WAY WORSE THAN ME ON A PMS JAG), and her creating her own schedule, she's still employed. And then $$$$ comes up short. $5 one night, $10 another. So she gets written up. So today rolls around. And I was MOD (manager on duty). My boss was there, but I was runnin the show as if she wasnt just so I can be "certified". Whatever...Anyway...I was signing off the register since I put her till on and she scanned something before it logged off, bypassing the sign off (I think or else I didn't sign off....). She was ringing on my #. I busted her on it, and said you need to log off. (I know could not do anything, and I was not about to use another #). She wouldn't. Finally I was like Bitch get off my number NOW!!!!

When I balanced out, I was almost $24 short. I flipped, but said hey, just rebalance me when you do her (she should have been over that amount). EXCEPT SHE WASN'T. The other cashier was like $54 short, and Stupid Sow was ONLY $45 over. Now I put $50 in fives in the wrong drawer, so that accounts for the other cashier. But Stupid Sow still didn't even have all that money in there. And the STORE was short $51 in the deposit. Oh yeah. My boss called me, and luckily I was at the new coffee house listening to a jazz band. This is over by Coney Island. And I was on the phone when she questioned Stupid Sow about it. Not maliciously or accusingly. Just asked. Like she did me. The Girl went ballistic. All "I"m not taking the fall for this, and I aint takin the write up". And quit on the spot. And refused to show her bag when asked. And turn out her pockets. My boss said get here. I ran....literally...And got to the front steps as this chick was getting in her car. ( Yeah, I HAULED ASS). My boss was like Whoa!
We counted the store funds. Not there. The only thing we can figure is that she KNEW she rang on my drawer, and helped herself, thinking I'd be ass out. Except she took too much. And I haven't been THAT short since I was running those fevers when I first got my blood clot. And its been documented! Stupid Sow. We also found out that she was eyeballin last nights deposit worse than a fat kid in a chocolate shop.

So needless to say, after having a latte, I needed to unwind...so I had a beer or two.
I also at one point offered to gut her and remove the baby....since it was my number...And I said to my boss, I got friends who are good with knives....(my fan club) she was like DON'T TELL ME THAT!

I hope the $51 was worth her job, and I hope her condition is aggrevating and overdue, and that the child has severe colic.

Letters not sent

2006-08-10T20:37:00.000-04:00

Words. They can paint a picture. They can tell a story. They convey feelings. They can say I love you. Or I miss you. Words can tie you together and bridge any gap.
Or they can hurt. Be misunderstood. Ignored. Taken the wrong way.
And when all you have is written words, at least 4 to 6 days apart. They can fustrate. They can destroy the tenderest seedling or kill the delicate flower.
I was hoping for a letter. I got none today. None since Monday. I need him. And if all I have are his words, those words matter twice a much.
Maybe I have lost my heart.
Has the Phoenix risen again?
Or has the heart been crushed before it even stretched its wings to soar?
We'll see.
Either way, the tatoo is appropriate. Just one more set of initials to add to the stitches.
No harm, right?
After all, I don't believe in white knights and happy ever afters, right?

Words

2006-08-08T09:57:00.000-04:00

So as you can just see, I finally found the words to say to him what I wanted to...needed to...just to have an ending to it. On my terms. Childish I know, but it is me. But it was something that I felt I needed to do. And for what? He responed. We're "Friends" again. And that is all I can handle...

As for the other fellow, well, that is going well. We get along great. And he actually listens and supports me...something that I am not used to and am having a hard time adjusting to it. I know he means well and has my best interests at heart. I guess when you have been kicked so long, you expect it to happen sooner or later...and he is doing little things that are just touching me....

And that is definetly a good thing. Only 16 days until I can see him again.

letters to

2006-08-08T09:55:00.000-04:00

Will, I needed to take time to think this thru and write this, not on emotions....but from the heart...not tears and screaming...but a blank canvas so to speak... Well, first off, thank you for proving me right and pulling a Shawn and Scott and walking out of my life...I knew it would end like this. Just knew it. So much for mattering and you being there, huh? You had once promised that you would never walk out on me...so much for that promise... I am glad that your friends, who know me oh so well have decided what is best for us...I wonder if you have lied to them as you have lied to me. As for your email, well, it was an awakening to see just how low you could go. I knew you were arrogant. But that level is disgusting...you are not better than me...remember that.. I get it you have a house...you have what, six cars? You have enough banked that you can retire. I have none of that. But I have a home. I have love. I have happiness. I have peace and joy in my life. None of that comes from money...it comes from the heart. Something you don't have. Something that I am convienced you may never have, because you are too ignorant to realize what you have...you place value on material things and not on the things that matter, friendship, love and forgivness. Until you can grow, you will never have that. So who's richer? You say I need a job to brag about. How about taking a store on the verge of closing, turning sales into the positive (up every week) and cleaning it to the point that they are pulling my boss out to work other stores and having other managers come in and look at what we have done. Also, how about corporate getting phone call after phone call about the friendly new girl, Becky, or my DM having people come up to her and say that all the employees need to be like me. How about having a boss that can depend on me to do my job correctly and well and with a smile. And yes, I got my promotion. And I did it on my own, on my own merits...not on schooling or friends. My management skills and experience all comes from work...not from any text book. My training is superb. Why? Because I've been there. That's why in every job I have had, I have trained or oriented new people. Because I also let them know what is expected. I will not dignify the taking the easy way out remark...that is why I have busted my ass at every job I have, working 2 and 3 jobs simultaneously. To have things handed to me. As for "blaming you", well, maybe it would have been nice to have you acknowledge that some of this occured in helping you. But you never have acknowledged my feelings. Yeah I may have griped to you about my fustrations or customers... but that's what friends do..they listen...and how often did I listen to you? As for a car, well...its not a priority to me...I don't need anything fancy...nor do i need it in triplicate. It would be nice to have one, but I am getting by without it. And I will do without if it means that I can live within my means. You missed the point a long time ago. The girl you knew died in 1998. And after some faltering, she has been reborn, or rescuitated, and found her way...I am a simple person at heart...I don't need anything fancy to be happy. I don't need bling. I need honesty and compassion. I need true friends. Not the kind that is around only when it is convienent. You can't hold me to your standards or accountable to dreams that have since been tucked away....or redreamt. Its funny, in all this time, that you never once paid attention to my heart. Or else you would have known this. And its funny that there are some people out there that have only known me two weeks or two months and they know this... I may not have a leather couch...but I have a couch that if you spill something on it, I don't care. I may not have a 5 figure bank account, but if you need my last $5, its yours. I don't care if we go to an amusement park or a local park. Its about time with friends. That's what I value and cherish. Again, something that you lost along the way. I may not have the life you wanted for me. But I am back on track and getting what I need. I have time...to spend with whom I choose to. So I can go see my niece's gymnastics or sit with my goddaughter, or spend a day in the pool girl talking with my own daughter. No 6 figure job is worth being known as the Aunt who never shows, as I once was. Unlike you, I need my family and friends. That is something very special to me and something that I cherish. Something that you just walked away from. My house may be my dad's, but it is my home...a home you were and still are welcome in...a home, where there is always food and drink and a place to lay your head...where there is laughter and music. It may need some updates, but it is a comfortable home. And making friends in the process who are standing by me, not abandoning me when I need them. I understand that you are busy...we all are...but difference is how well you can balance everything...I make to do lists too...its just that I decide whether the dishes need done, or if I need to see my cousin. The dishes can always wait. You come down on me for choices that I make in my personal life. Well, darling, your personal life isn't so stellar. YOU veiw friends as disposable, and I find that deplorable. People aren't trash. Being an adult means that you suck some things up and apologize. You work through differneces. Need I also remind you that you crossed some lines and aren't such an angel yourself? Why was it alright when it was you? And now that its not I am a bad person? No, you're judging me. I'm not a bad person. Far from it. Or did you forget that you were the one that wanted to cross the friendship line in the first place, and you KNEW I was married...so if you wanna come down on me for being a cheater, remember who I was with. Also, I remember you telling me that YOU cheated....on MArcia, Sarah, ect. ect. ect. So again, how can you judge me? Also, you have said you wanted me to be happy. What if this is it? You can't judge Bill. You don't know him. And so far, he has been very understanding and compassionate about all the pain and hurt you have caused me. As much as he hates my tears, he knows you're the cause....and as much as his lungs may be crippled, you have a crippled heart and brain. And even if this goes nowhere but friends, it is cool, because I know I have a special person in my life, one who listens and understands me. Something you haven't done in a long time. Reread "The Giving Tree", and its inscription. I meant what I wrote. Unfortunately, you can't handle when I am the boy. Even though, emotionally, you have stripped me, much like the tree. I don't believe in walking away from friends. I don't believe in throwing away someone that I care about. I don't believe in abusing their friendship either, something that you have done. You have left me bruised, battered and broken. But no more. I will not cry anymore tears over you. But know you hurt me more that Shawn ever did. More than anyone ever did. Because we were friends first. You never asked me to care about you...but I did...silly me...its what friends do...and all those times I was there for you (not even counting May) I was there because you needed a friend. Glad to know when I needed one you were around. Friendship is a give and take...something again, that you never learned. And something you hurt me with every chance you got. Someday, maybe you'll learn that. Make me out to be the bitch. Go ahead. But remember why I am....and how I got here. Send those bottles back...you have no right to them anymore...they weren't a gift. I trusted those to my friend, to take care of a dying wish. Well, since you would rather listen to your internet pals then a true friend and end this, send those back. They are mine. I entrusted them to my friend Bill, who lived on Cullin St. That man no longer exists. The man who replaced him would never have been asked to do that. So if you can't be my friend--through the good and bad, send those back. Bill was that kind of friend....you are not. You know how to reach me.... As always, Becky

----------------- Original Message -----------------

From: I heal the cripple and cripple the healed Date: Jul 11, 2006 9:58 AM

I feel completely run down today... maybe partly because of the lack of sleep to perform a job well done, or maybe because I feel the shrilling voice I had to endure for 1 hour and 37 minutes felt like one of those monkeys banging the cymbols over my ears. Not to mention a second monkey hammering my brain with a rubber mallet. Conversations with you are quite exhausting, disappointing, and simply pathetic. Only you of all people I know can bring drama into a workplace as basic as being a cashier. Fighting over keys? Is that what your life has become? Key holding? I've talked to my friends and its unanimous that we shoudl think about parting ways. I sit here and think that in the gap we haven't talked, you didn't do anything with your life.... nothing to improve your situation.. I thought at least you'd have a newer car or something..... a house, something!!! A job worth bragging about. You're too much of a drama queen for me to handle anymore. I see you and I see someone who takes the easy way out. Always. You always take the easy way out. You want things handed to you and that never flies with me. I think the icing on this special olympic cake is that you once again cheated. That so sours me more than anything. As I said before, once a cheater ALWAYS a cheater. And that wholre reverse things to blame me never works. So we need to part ways. I can't stand you anymore. I can't stand hearing about dumbass customers. You scan items, I wrote the software that interprets the barcode from a database with the price, item, description, quantity, etc. Now who's smart? I hate to be harsh, but I just simply can't stand the shrilling and the crying on the phone. Don't blame me, DO something to better yourself. I need to get away this weekend, so I definately won't be around. I am going on another trip to Maryland, this time a different resort. I think it's good therapy for me after talking to you. Every time I talk to you, I will take a weekend to unwind. Screw getting shit done. Good luck with Timmay. Will

Can't cry anymore

2006-07-26T10:56:00.000-04:00

Well, DH never apologized for the argument that we had...we spoke...but he never felt the need to apologize or even treat me with respect. My feelings never matter to him, or at least they haven't as of late...And this was all wearing my reserve down...I had reached rock bottom...and he just kept kicking. Everyone told me to just leave, to quit speaking to him, but for some sick reason, I kept the facade of friendship up. Unfortunately, he was just sadistic and cruel. And I had had it.

Even worse, at my job, I have had a few fellows coming in and telling me how pretty I was. One even asked me what I did that day (after the big your a horrible lay fight) because I looked exceptionally pretty. I was like Um, I cried all night, didnt sleep and didn't keep anything in my system, but thanks for noticing....I was like how can these guys see this and DH can't?

So After apologizing for my scaithing reply to the sweet compliment, I have been chatting with the fellow...and we have hung out a few times and become close...there is a connection there that I just can't explain, and a mutual respect...and its a good and positive thing.
So when calling to see if DH got Rent tickets (he didn't) I mention to DH about my fellow.....and he hits the roof. And then sends a cruel and evil email...and that was the end of 15 years of friendship...POOF.....

As for my fellow? WEll...all is good....great in fact....except we are separted right now....but only until August 25th.

No apologies

2006-07-03T12:16:00.000-04:00

Still no apology from the ass....well a half hearted one this morning...but he claims he doesn't remember what he said Wednesday night, so how can he apologize for it? How can you apologize when you don't know what you did...How can you try to make amends...when you don't know how bad the wounds are...I give up...I quit....I surrender my feelings....How can i expect him to know how to fight and make up when he has severed all ties with everyone? How can I expect him to know how to work things out in a relationship, physical or personal, when he has never done it before...at least not successfully?

All he had to say was look Becky, I can't handle the physcial aspect, or look Becky I am involved with someone else right now and we need to back things up....Being that I am an adult...I can understand that...however when you lie and get all springer like on me, how else am I suppose to feel? Don't attack me...don't say shit to say shit...we're adults...

Even the Tin Man got a heart at the end of the movie....

If you value me at all...if I matter to you the way you say I do, then you should have never stooped to this level...

I love him, but this is why I can never go there...because he will never understand how he hurts me...and when he finally realizes it, it will be too late...

If I only had the guts to say this to him....

2006-06-29T04:39:00.000-04:00

I love you. And not in a friendly way, although I think were great friends. And not in a misplaced affection, puppy-dog way, although Im sure thats what youll call it. And its not because youre unattainable. I love you. Very simple, very truly. Youre the epitome of every attribute and quality Ive ever looked for in another person. I know you think of me as just a friend and crossing that line is the furthest thing from an option youd ever consider. But I cant do this any longer. I cant stand next to you without wanting to hold you. I cant look into your eyes without feeling that longing you only read about in trashy romance novels. I cant talk to you without wanting to express my love for everything you are. I know this will probably queer our friendship - no pun intended - but I had to say it, because Ive never felt this before, and I like who I am because of it. And if bringing it to light means we cant hang out anymore, then that hurts me. But I couldnt allow another day to go by without getting it out there, regardless of the outcome, which by the look on your face is to be the inevitable shoot-down. And Ill accept that But I know some part of you is hesitating for a moment, and if there is a moment of hesitation, that means you feel something too. All I ask is that you not suppress that - at least for ten minutes - and try to dwell in it before you dismiss it. There isnt another soul on this ****ing planet whos ever made me the person I am when Im with you, and I would risk this friendship for the chance to take it to the next plateau. Because its there between you and me. You cant deny that. And even if we never speak again after tonight, please know that Im forever changed because of you and what youve meant to me, which - while I do appreciate it - Id never need a painting of birds bought at a diner to remind me of.

Anything but lonely

2006-06-29T04:38:00.000-04:00

Anything but lonely,Anything but empty rooms.There's so much in life to share --What's the sense when no one else is there?Anything but lonely,Anything but only me.Quiet years in too much space:That's the thing that's hard to face,And...You have a right to go,But you should also knowThat I won't be alone for long.Long days with nothing saidAre not what lie ahead --I'm sorry, but I'm not that strong.Anything but lonely,Anything but passing time.Lonely's what I'll never be,While there's still some life in me,And...I'm still young, don't forget,It isn't over yet --So many hearts for me to thrill.If you're not here to sayHow good I look each day,I'll have to find someone who will.Anything but lonely,Anything but empty rooms.There's so much in life to share --What's the sense when no one else isthere...?Just promise one thing.All right.What is it?Don't ask me questions...You must promise first...I can'tI must know what it is.Don't leave me!

The other shoe hits

2006-06-29T04:04:00.000-04:00

Well...well...well...

Looks like wonderland wasn't so wonderful afterall....Turns out DH is even a bigger DH than ever....we had probably our most explosive and hurtful argument ever...and I don't know if I can handle it...I have figured out what I have in the house, and what a lethal dose of it is....and when I would need to throw myself in front of the train, just in case I some how survive the pills....

Not only does he not love me...oh wait..."as friends"....I was not the last woman that he made love to ...What? and here is the kicker....I am horrible in bed....Abosouletely dreadful....he can't even stomach the "task" any longer...What? First time I ever heard that.....and based on the number of "one-nighters" he has had, and the "repeats" I've had, I think that speaks for it's self...I also told him women hate the jackhammer fuck...he claims we love it...I was like, yeah, listen to any one comedian...

So that's it...

I'm aweful...

a horrible lay...

the one thing I had left...

He again denied the child we lost....

holding pattern

2006-06-28T09:11:00.000-04:00

So I didn't go to jail...obviously...or else I wouldn't be blogging today...Oh we pled guilty to the driving on a suspended license DUI related, and I was sentanced to the mandatory 60 days imprisonment, but we are gonna appeal it...so who knows when I will actually serve my sentance if ever....or work out house arrest and the like...

DH has been more understanding...been calling every evening and everything...wow...are we making progess here? i actually told him on Sunday that he has lost every physical right to me...that my body, as much as it is a wonderland, is off limits to him...that he can't have me....possibly never again...there has been too much dishonesty and deceit and what have you...as well as his lack of consideration for me...except I don't really think that it is a lack of consideration...i think it is a fear of facing feelings that are there...right under the icy surface that is about to crack...I told him that i still have an offer to go to Florida next week...Not that I will...just nice to have the chance....and if I do go...I will ben once pampered little princess...which I will stomach for all of two days then freak out, but hey a girl can dream, right? DH wanted to know all about the "ass clown" who wants to take me out of state and just where are we staying and the whole 411...and do I realize that he may have romantic intentions here? DH was very jealous....I was like you know what? You had your chance pal...don't get green with envy on me because someone who only knows me a few weeks realizes that they have someone special here....he was like...I know I do...I was like you sure show it and act it...when your with her!

Side bar....her...isn't around anymore....

Anyway apparently DH is trying to score tickets to the regional performance of RENT when it comes to PGH as a big thank you for everything I did....it was to be a suprise....and if they sell out....we are going to broadway for my b-day! Yes!

But I won't get my hopes up....

I go back to work today after two days off....I am beginning to dread it...if only when my mainm boss is not there...there is a power struggle between the SM and the AM and I am sick of it...especially since I am litterally dragged into the middle of their war....and it is the AM's doing...bleh...why does there have to be drama?

DeAD Woman Walking

2006-06-26T10:04:00.000-04:00

Well, I haven't blogged here much....same old same old...Dick head is a dick head....he hit on my cousin a few more times...made me cry a few more times...I have worked quite a bit...actually, that is the real reason of late that I haven't blogged...no time...I work, come home, crash...work come home crash...lather, rinse, repeat...

I have my hearing today...the one for driving on a suspended license....stupid I know...didn't pay the damn restoration fee, so the state acts like I've never served the suspension...and since it is DUI related, there is a mandatory 60 day jail term....I am sick over this...literally sick...like take me to the psych ward cuz I will be nuts by day 61...no one understands...or seems to...Haven't really told many people either...I have tried to be upbeat and positive...but its hard to be smiley when you feel like you are heading to the guillotine...i know 60 days isn't a long time...but man...think about it...

Its all I can think about....

Today's event's

2006-06-09T18:10:00.000-04:00

Dick head thought my cousin was a cutie...with dimples and a smile...here is my cousin's thoughts....

Will, It's a great pleasure to have to finally get the "go ahead" from becky. I know you have known my cousin now for quite sometime, a "good friend" to her I would presume from what I have heard. Well, can I give you what is known as the TRUE definition of a friend? Here please let me help you....
Friend: A person whom one knows, likes, and trusts. A person whom one knows; an acquaintance. A person with whom one is allied in a struggle or cause; a comrade. One who supports, sympathizes with, or patronizes a group, cause, or movement: friends of the clean air movement.
Now, if I do believe I have heard you got yourself into quite a pickle here recently. And of course, who do you call? Becky. Because you know she would do anything for you, hell practically die for you if I may add. Now to me thats a friend. But....how can you just sit there and say the things you say to her and lead her on with NO INTENT to take things further????Do you realize you are NOT a TRUE friend and in this kind of situation, personally I would have written you off a long time ago. It kills me to hear her cry because "will told me this and will told me that, he said he loves me but he cant be with me". Granted, she is married right now. BUT DO YOU REALIZE she LOVES YOU??? Ok would get a divorce in a heartbeat if you would actually wise up and decide to be with her? I'm sick and tired of hearing the things you do to her, and quite frankly I know you know what you are doing and it pisses me off more than you'll ever know. You are how old? seriously Will, grow up. Just realize, you say how she is your friend, does all that shit for you when you're ass is in jail, REALLY helps you out when you're in need, what the hell would you do if SHE WASNT your friend?????? You would be pretty much screwed, I hope she comes to her senses and tells you goodbye, you do not deserve her because all she is to you is an escape goat, and you USE her when your in trouble and you are down, you dont want to share good times with her...ohhhh no no.... you just want her to be there to get your sorry ass outta whatever pickle you get yourself into next, knowing shes going to be right there by your side. HEARTBREAK? How dare you lead a person on and then tell them it could never work? Do you even know what it is like to feel that sort of pain? And if you ever did, i'm sure you did deserve it, but what I dont understand is why must you do this to other people, if you would KNOW what it is like? You're selfcentered. You only think of yourself. Afraid of commitment. Get over it. I think you're scared because you'll actually have to be with one person for the rest of your life.
Ok I do know she wanted you to help her get a car and pay fines whatever. thats between you two. but what you need to realize is, is you take advantage of her niceness to you. you walk all over her. knowing how much she cares for you, oh wait and did i mencion how you discuss about different girls to her? DO YOU REALLY THINK SHE WANTS TO HEAR THATT!!!! OMG. Knowing how much she loves you and cares about you.....wow...talk about a fucking kick in the balls. you're totally selfish and guess thats how you'll always be. So until you can straighten up and fucking grow a set....don't talk to her, you're not worth her time or the aggrivation! Thanks. -Jess

Think that says it all

love amongst friends

2006-06-08T08:36:00.000-04:00

What's a little love between friends? Disaster....Pure and simple...
Incase it is not clear, I deeply care about someone, who, refuses to acknowledge my feelings, and is fighting his....He has said how he felt, now he is changing it to "as friends". We are not allowed to change that "friends" status, as a relationship would destroy us....however, this limbo is destroying it....this....hot/cold is destroying us....
Even worse, he has deciced that the best way to sort thru his feelings is to pursue another...someone not me...Yeah...that helps....
Its like the Giving tree, by Shel Silverstien.....and right now he is the boy, I am the tree, but unlike the tree, I am not happy...I just want some of his time too...a part...but I am not allowed...again, not my choice...
He claims I am too needy.....well, lets see....you are breaking my heart every chance you get, I have a slew of things coming up that are weighing on my heart (that have nothing to do with him), and If I talk to you as a friedn about them, I am needy...
Yeah...then I am needy...I a need a true friend...something you are not being...
I asked you not to say you loved me usless you meant it...you said it anyway....over and over again....whispering tenderly in my ear....
Little things that were done and said that etched themselves in my heart. A heart that's now shattered.
Everything about this has been what's convient for you.....never me...and the fool I am, I dropped everything, rearranged everything and did it to be with you...I spent my last dime on gas to be there...but its okay...I did it anyway....I listened as you prattled on about other girls....held you as you cried over one....worried about your depression over her...and for what?To be dismissed as needy...irrattional...overemotional...Don't you see that you had a hand in this?
Fine...I give up....I quit...But how can I quit you? How do I just let you go?
I may as well be dead to you...not that you would care if I were....
Its sucks to be an afterthought in your life...and it hurts...cuts like a knife...

And so it begins

2006-06-07T12:29:00.000-04:00

Well, it has started again...The war with Will...why a war? Because he makes it so....You. can also title this the Its not fair rant.

Let me explain....He has been telling me off an on that he loves me....not something that I take lightly, by any means...even more disconcerting, he does little things that are romantic and sweet, but further confuse my heart. He made me cds, which are sweet. I wanted flowers, he picked me lilacs from his yard...Oh god....he touches my heart more than any hallmark card or harlequin romance novel ever could...And i am falling for him...hard....hell, I love him back....The problem? He's decided we can't go there.

What?

That's right. I have met the man of my dreams, the love of my life, my best friend, a lover....but no...we have to ignore the feelings and let it go from there because it can never happen.

Why?

No good reason other than he can't cross that line...

And as much as he loves me and is confused about his feelings towards me, he needs to sort things out....By trying to date another woman....and yet he doesn't see how this kills me...

I try to call him when he is on call for work...he can't talk...but he can do dinner with her....I am going to....hell... may end up in jail for 60 days (as soon as the 26th) I ask to see him, spend a night with him before.....he's not sure, as he's really busy...

I point out that I am just as busy as he is, if not more, and I still find time to fit him in.

I even pointed out that when he needs me, I am there....so why is he always so busy when I need him? Its Not fair.

Why is it that we can talk when its convient for him? And only then....Now if I was another girl...different story...

And yet he gets mad when I say, well, if I were so and so....because its how he treats Them!

I was planning a trip to Niagra (I had to save money) to suprise him (he had never been there) and he up and went on a gambling trip with another girl.

We were to go to the beach this summer...guess not...everytime I try to bring it up, the subject changes....

I know I know....I should take the hint...

But everytime I pull back, or offer to step away, he informs me that these girls are disposable, and that I am not...

What is so freakishly wrong with me?

How can you sort your feeling out for me, how can you love me? But yet chase someone else?
How can I matter so much to you, mean so much, but yet bet treated like a scrap of garbage?

I'm done....I swear this time I am done....

My heart grieves for the love of this man....and the fact that I will never freely have it. I have the opportunity to go to Florida soon, with a man who has said everything I wanted Will to say, and done things I want Will to do....I just don't know if I can...because I want so badly for Will to do them...

Puffy

2006-06-06T10:05:00.000-04:00

I haven't blogged in a while, and I have every reason why....which I will explain....I have Thromboplebitis and cellutitis in my right hand...
Now how did you get that?
Well, I have migraines, that work themselves to a point that I need to go to the ER for some IV meds. That was Wednesday. I had a pretty ferocious one brewing, and I thougth, okay, bite the bullet and go...Plus I had just left work and was there...and at this point I was having chest pain and nausea. Great. So they did some blood work, and were gonna give me IV meds, which meant the put a lock (or whatever) in. For whatever reason, they use my right hand, which is no biggie, except I am right handed....The blood was drawn fine, but when the RN went to push the meds through, my ring and pinky fingers were numb and the saline flush felt off, and the solumedrol felt horrid....I even said that to her, and she dismissed it as positional...I was discharged and sent home...
No biggie...went to work the next day, and my hand felt sore, but hey, I just had an IV in, and at times the site does bother me, so I shrugged it off...Friday rolled around and my hand was puffy, hot and red. Great...After a call to the nurse line and my family doc, a trip to the ER was suggested....Well, I thought I'll go after work....I'll make it...
Um...no...should have thought that thru....I was having severe GI upset (yeah being polite....went thru 1 1/2 bottles of Pepto), as well as thechills, I almost passed out severe times and was probably deliious....I go to the ER...get my hand looked at, get the Ultrasound, which revealed a clot in the right CEP vein, but my blood work was good. Yippie. I get to do warm compresses and naprosen (aleve) and go to work, which I did Sunday...Yeah, not a good thing....still had hte fever and chills, pain and swelling...Went back to the ER. After calling the family doc on call....making sure that bullshit was covered....This time I was not happy and to be honest, quite a bitch....and I let everyone know it....
Turns out I still have a blood clot, possilbly some cellulitis, they were gonna start me on an antibiotic, and go from there....
Whatever...
I called the patient representative yesterday and let it all out....I have had it....this is my dominant hand, I am in pain and nobody seems to give a shit....bleh...
And now my hand is swelling, so this tale I am ending.

Genius, sheer genius

2006-05-30T10:04:00.000-04:00

I invented something over the weekend....of awe and wonder...The Coors Pond...I have a pop up Koi pond (my landlord, oops my dad won't let me dig one). As I was sitting in my lounge chair drinking a beer, I thought man, what a pain in the ass it is to go in the house and get some beer...where's my kid...not here...damn...if only I could bring my frosty brewed refreshment closer to me....I did...I pop up the pond, filled it with water, Ice and beer, plugged in the filter (to circulate the cans ala a duck pond) and drank myself into a blissfull stupor....All I can say is OH YEAH.

A hell of a time

2006-05-29T10:58:00.000-04:00

So I haven't posted in a while...At first it was because of working different shifts, babysitting and trying to maintain my house...Just trying to get a groove reestablished. Something had to fall by the wayside, and this was it...

As for the past 11 days, well that's a different story...I have been in hell, and wouldn't wish this on anyone...It started on Wednesday May 17th. I got a call on my cell from a 412 area code. I know a few people out that way, but didn't recognize the number...I answered the phone only to be asked was I myself (but my maiden name). I was like Why? Only to be asked was I me? Well, yeah, but why? Upon further questioning, I was asked did I know DH. WHAT? Do I know this person because he is claiming that I do? WHAT????WHY???? WHO IS THIS? Allegheny County Jail ma'am and your friend is in it....WHAT? Are you his fiancee? No.. . Are you his girlfriend? Not really (he has answered yes here) What's going on? (he saying tell her to calm down and not to panic...The guard yelled at him that I was already panicked.) This is a joke right? No ma'am no joke....And DH told me that he had no one else to call... that I was his family...his next of kin...

What's going on is that He has been picked up on a bench warrant for Violation of Probation, Non payment of fines, failure to report, failure to notify, failure to complete court ordered therapy, failure to provide documentation, failure to notify, failure to comply,

What?

They let me talk to him....He tells me to calm down he is as okay as he can be...He asks me to contact his personal attorney, his probation officer, his best bud...
I try...
The next morning...I am up early making calls...The courts have extradited him to Cambria County...Where the benchwarrant was issued..I call the court, the probation officer, the attorney, the best bud...You name it I called them...Trying to get this to move as quickly as possible...I also speak to my attorney...I was to have a hearing during all of this (I didn't have to go...Thank God). So by say 1pm...I decide to have a drink or two...Bad move...Forgot I had to work....Went home....From work...

Struggle through everything....Calling the prison to see when I can visit...Sunday....
I go....With dread and a heavy heart... I had no idea how I was gonna muddle thru the act of smiling when I was dying on the inside...I go to the jail...Shaking, trembling....And I see him come back...My heart falls as I see him...Nothing could have prepared me for seeing him this way. He didn't look bad...Not great...But not horrid...It was the stripes, the demeanor..Everything...Not something I thought that I ever would have to see...I wanted to bail right there...Turn and run....How in the hell was I gonna do this without crying? This man was, hell, is my rock...My stability...My calm in the storm, my punching bag, my venting space...My sounding board... I was already missing him terribly, and worried sick that he wouldn't be taking care of himself. I already knew he wasn't eating, and even if I didn't it was painfully obvious once I saw him....So we had a visit...If you can call it that...Behind the glass...Using the phone...We did have some light moments....But man...He told me not to cry or he would...Man...We muddled through...The hour went so fast...He asked me to contact a few friends...One of them his "girlfriend" What? What? What? And I informed him of things that I had found out over the past few days, like his hearing date, all the charges...ect...I also told him that I would be at the hearing, that he didn't have a say in that..He asked me would I take him home...I promised him that I would...Whenever he was released...He also asked me to look into a few things, figure some things out...But no need to call him off....He wouldn't tell me that....But he was concerned about his job...And losing it....
I did as asked, begrudgingly....It was hard....And I ended up calling the girlfriend...She blindsided me with questions...And I tried my best to answer the nonchalantly. I did the whole....He is such a private person...bleh bleh bleh...Turns out she was considering dumping him anyway...Great...One more thing for me to deal with...
So I spend the next day and a half emailing and the like...And I head out for my visit on Tuesday...I wan make sure he is gonna be polite and keep his temper in check, ect. On the way there, my tranny goes...Dies a horrific death...And since I got on the shoulder of the road and then off, a cop noticed and decided to help. Nice...Now not only is my car broken...":I get a ticket for reckless driving. Great...Just what I needed.
And since I was so upset about being late to see him...I begged the police officer to take me to the jail..They decided to search my vehicle for drugs since I was overreacting....Great...I was like there are no drugs in there to my knowledge. I had forgotten about my prescriptions in my purse...Which they questioned...Dammit...
Till my dad came and I was allowed to leave, I was late for visiting and not allowed to see him...I was sick...I let him down...I was so upset....I was calling everyone for a ride the next morning...My dad's trucks brakes aren't great, so he didn't want me to take it...
Finally I get my sister in law, Sharon to take me....A weight off my heart...And then Steph calls and says you can have my van if you come to where I work...YES>....
So the next morning I get Sharon to take me to Steph's work, where I get the van....Steph compliments on how nice I look...I was shaking and sick to my stomach....She was like call me....You'll both get through this...Then I was off.

Yes I ended up running in spike heels....And I was late..I had called his attorney's office to let them know I was running late but would be there...I wasn't sure if I would have to testify or not...They weren't sure if he was gone have more hearings or not...And that would decide his release or not...

I sat through all the hearings...He was last...Of course...I could see him...Troubled, nervous, broken....And my heart sank...And the judge wasn't being very lenient...Shit...My heart sank worse...During a break...I went to his attorney's secretary to let her know I was present, if need be...DH happened to look over and see me...I'll never forget his face...He looked angry at first, then relieved...Later he told me he didn't recognize me at first, then was choking back tears...
Finally his turn came....And I got his address, his phone number (mister I swear I don't have a home phone)...Everything....I was so angry and pissed at that point that I tuned a lot out....I wanted to stand up and say you know what judge keep him in...He deserves it....Anyway...They agreed that if he paid up, and the checks could be verified then he could be released...Yes....So after the hearing I went over to his attorney...And him...He just turned and mouthed thank you to me...I about melted...So his attorney explained what each of us needed to do...More waiting on my end basically...
So he paid up....And was taken back to jail to be officially released...
I let them know I was there....And waited...And after an hour of him being back, this bitchy woman leaving for the day was like who are you waiting for? I said DH and she was like he's just waiting for his ride, you could have come in and said you were here...I was like I DID YOU STUPID TWIT. So I went back into the jail and informed them that I was here for DH. And they told me to watch for him outside...
So I waited....And in a few minutes he appeared...And it took everything I had not to break down...And we met up...And hugged...And as I held him he just up this head on my shoulder and cried....He said that I was making him love him even more than he already did...And he started sobbing...And I felt myself cry a little...I told him that I missed him so terribly...And that I apologized for not seeing him the night before...And why I didn't make it...We got in the van and started the drive home...He was grateful...And we talked, compared notes...He couldn't believe what I did for him, the lengths I went, any of it...And then I let into him about the girlfriend, the phone, ect...I said look, I am not going into the way I want to, but I ma not happy....
We stopped at a diner for lunch, and then I did get to see his place...The grand tour...Its sweet...And he didn't want me to leave...But I had to pick Steph up from work, so I cut it short...But he again started to cry on my shoulder...And I just held him...He didn't want me to leave...And I didn't want to go....But I had to...And he told me that I would never know how badly he wanted to see me when he was in jail...That I was the only one he wanted...And how much me being there has meant to him...

He went back to work the next day...And smoothed everything out....

We eventually covered the hurt that I was feeling from all the lies he had been telling......But that is a tale for another day...

More drama than SoapNet

2006-05-12T03:15:00.000-04:00

Fucking Christ....Can't I just go to work and go to work? Must I be dragged into horsehit and drama? Must people act like a bunch or preschoolers with a Babysitter?
I went into work today....had a six pack in the car for afters...and boy am I glad....The key holder had other coworkers signing this paper to get a meeting with the district manager....She was getting everyone to sign it...but avoiding me like the plague...I figured it was a beef about the new manager and the new ways of doing things (you know, according to company policy?) and that since I was new as well, I'd have no beef. Luckily one coworker went to the manager about it...Its about ME....and how much I am making an hour...apparently everyone in the store knows how much I am making...since the assistant manager and key holder made it public knowledge...WTF? WTF? I went off...I was like that is no one's business but mine and the bosses...and the key holder shouldn't have been privy to it...I was lit up....I went off...And apparently everyone else is mad because I am making more than the key holder, as well as them....I was like and I have the RESUME to prove it....I am working my ass off here, so I am earning it!!!! Then I come to find out that the assisstant manager is telling everyone that I was brought in because they are gonna fire her....Well, not exactly true....but now they Are......maybe...And I was willing to take a position in any store...and I had said that tonight...Look, I wanna get promoted, why WOULDN'T I do a good job? Why WOULDN'T I wanna improve this store?
And oh, I wasn't to know about any of this, because I am in cahoots with the manager....she went off and yelled she worked one shift with me....We are in cahoots about the floor move...

Working for the weekend

2006-05-08T07:55:00.000-04:00

Everybody's working for the weekend....or on the weekend if you work in a store....
Complete with an almost 12 hr shift last night....finished up at about 1240 am....

Now I'm babysitting...and the baby's been up since about 615...

Aaarg......nap time take me away...

To the rescue

2006-05-05T17:24:00.000-04:00

Apparently all is not lost today....

I have been references to the unemployed...

A cheerleader to the depressed and bumming

A pinch hit babysitter to those in need...

Not bad from the semi-lounged position of my reclined...

Oh...I am also fabulosly dressed....

Hee

Its a good day...

Now off for Mongolian grill for Cinco de Mayo..

All good things must come to an end

2006-05-04T14:00:00.000-04:00

So cutie pie and I have been getting along better....its still very hard, to know he cares, and cares deeply, but yet to try and accept that it won't happen...I'm trying...I don't know how well am doing...

Then there was yesterday...I had mentioned that I had located an ex of his...and there was a vehicle for sale...two obsessions of his...So he must have went on a mission to find it...which he did...and then wanted confirmation that it was hers...which I got...In the mean time, it has been a whole lot of why does she have this? I'll never have this life, why does she get it and not me....And I got pissed....I mean here I am...HeLLo!!! Remember me? You claim you are falling for me, so fall dammit...we could live happily ever after...BUT NO...

I asked him point blank several times to drop it....OH NO...Then he tried to turn it into that I was upset because it wasn't all about me...I was like NO...you hurt me...you could have this and are choosing not too...because of her, and that is what hurts, and why I don't wanna hear what you could have had...when you refuse to see what you can have....

Its very bittersweet....he's already apologized once...But still...I want him to see that I am the one who is hurting here...not him, certainly not her...We are talking...and being mature...but dammit man...just let it go and get over it...

My life in general

2006-05-04T13:33:00.000-04:00

I started my new job on Monday. It went really well. Its going really well. I guess they are impressed with my performance that I went from 12 scheduled hours to 40.

I'm off today....I've worked the past three, and appparently I am impressing the pants of my new employer....Which is cool...
I'm not bragging....don't get me wrong...nor am I trying to be an ass kisser....I just wanna learn how to do the job right, do it and get promoted....A fresh start, a clean slate if you will...I don't wanna be promoted just because my resume says I can do it...I wanna prove that I can...how I got into management in the first place...I have been jaded lately and very cynical towards retail...Call it mall burn out...so I chose a different venue, a different pay scale...kind of a back to my roots job...rebuilding my foundation before I add on another floor...
I need that...
A friend confided in me yesterday that I have a resume she would kill for....
I look at it as yeah, I did that, but what do I have to show for it? Where did it get me? Yeah, I technically have a career I could, wait should, fall back on....
But I can't...for reasons I don't want to explain....personal, professional....I can't....and no one seems to understand that...
I am elated at how this job is panning out....I am happy there...blissfully so....Its reminding me of who I am....who that girl in the picture was....
Things are looking good...

Over the moon

2006-05-01T17:04:00.000-04:00

Saturday was good and bad...
I developed a migraine that just wouldn't quit...and it progressed as the day went on...

I met my cutie pie, and as I got in the car, he had a card, fresh picked flowers from his yard (and they are one of my favorites) as well as cds. Yes he made me cry....

We drove around to get food, the to the park..We enjoyed our picinic...the food, the company, the surroundings...it was great...

We talked alot...about everything and anything...And some were bittersweet nuggets to swallow...but, we were honest with each other...There were tears, and some hurt, but it wasn't intentional hurt, and lets just say I got alot of insight into cutie pie...

Turns out he is resisting and trying to push me away at times, because he is falling for me, and it scares him...and he is not ready for it...

And yes, every time he has said he loves me, it is because he does....

AARRG...why does love have to be complicated....and why do we both have to look at the big picture...

But despite all the heart heavy and heart wrenching talks...we still laughed and had a good time...despite my migraine...which till we parted ways........was making me physically ill..

I'm just glad we spent time together...and I miss him terribly...

And yes...I had to eat some of my own words...

My bad...

2006-04-24T18:08:00.000-04:00

Aparently, I have a mini tard fit for nothing...Plans aren't cancelled, just moved to another day...my bad

To make matters worse

2006-04-24T15:10:00.000-04:00

So I cried on cutie pies' shoulder last night...and am eagerly looking foward to some face to face time together at the end of the month...unfortunatley...I think he is tryin to bail AGAIN.

A migraine of a day

2006-04-24T15:01:00.000-04:00

Yesterday I posted about the nostalgia of my youth, and how wonderful and pristine the Que is...I was in a happy place...

What happened?

While I was there, something happened to my car...it was clunking and lunking...the drivers side tire...so I had enough sense to not drive it, and call for a tow...I have roadside assistance you know...Yeah, in a nut shell...

My Cell died(1500)
The kind man who let me use his phone, well, it wouldn't connect to Sqrint..
I called my dad...
He couldn't find me
He found me, and I partially charged my phone(1700)
Called roadside rescue
they wanted me to get a sherpa guide to locate me
Ok, really call 911 for a location...
I had to call another 911 dispatcher
I was in roaming, due to wind change or some bs
I finally got roadside rescue
We charged the tow(the full distance to my house)(1745)
The truck came(1830)
The truch didn't take credit cards
I agreed to have it towed to the garage
I went home(1900)
Tried to ensure dad's card not charged
Tried some more
Got a supervisor(2100)
He was a prick.
I tried to complain...to him...
I called everyone and their brother associated wiht sqrint (2200).
Got fed up and hung up...had beer...

Bottom line, car is here, dunno what is wrong with it...but I got a $200 equipment upgrade and a $100 credit on my bill...stupervisor got a write up

in search of freshwater sharks

2006-04-23T23:46:00.000-04:00

I have stated that today didn't seem right...Its why I headed to the Que in the first place...I wanted the solitude, the privacy, the familarity...
And I thought about this, I pondered...
*Where there really freshwater sharks in the waters...
*How many bottles and cans on the bed of the lake are our responsibility?
*How my head would have felt on your shoulder as opposed to his?
I see the currents changing in front of me...much like the current changes in our lives...and how we never ended up quite the way we thought we would...Funny how the current changes in our spot?
As bitter sweet as these memories are, I feel more connected to who I was, who we all were then, and this can help me understand who we are today...I realize the time and incidents that have passed since that summer, but images are still red hot in my mind...like the rippels we created so many years ago, their waves are only hitting the shore now...the shores of our lives...
If we could go back an change it, would we? And is the past why we struggle in the present...Are we all to different to allow the past back in? Do we even want to?
Are those memories sweeter than any new ones we could create?
11:09 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
History of my world I Current mood: nostalgic
I am in a very weird place right now...literally and figuritively.. I have been feeling restless and antsy...so I went to a spot that will soothe me...a place steep in memories for me, and hopefully for two of my compardres...this was initally journaled on paper. It seemed somewhat blaphemeous to blog in the pristineness of the surrounding...
Years ago, I had two partners in crime....we met in high school, and bonded over chem labs and spanish class and flip books...we became tight...tighter than a drum tight... a one for all for one friednship...one of us went away to school, the other two stayed...and became closer...built a deeper friendship....someone that I could really trust, and relie on...and given my choice of men, he heard it all, and got many a wet shoulder...But this is not about that....this is a background, a backdrop of history...
This is the setting...my partners in crime and I started coming out ot a local reservior for god only know what reason...to drink I think...and to be away from everyone else....we'd get a 30 of cold coors light, or bud if Shawn bought, comeout to the dam, and drink and talk, often skipping rocks and empties. I think this initally started cuz I was the last of us three to turn 21. And we could be loud and silly until the wee hours of the morning (which my parents tended to frown upon, since we usually ended up waking them at least once with our frivoulity). We dubbed this fishing...all we needed was each other and beer and our night was set and good times had. We were a tight bunch. i can't explain why I meshed so well with my former classmates and lab partners, be we did. Separetely, we could be different, Together, indestructible and destructive in our own way...

The summer of 1998 we spent many a night out here at the Que, as it is affectionately known by the locals. We haunted this as much as we did bars at the time...here we could be silly or ourselves....here we laughed, and joked, and dreamed...and cared...we all had our own lives that were very separete from each others. Before was never really like that...we were in the real world, eaking out existences in interships and a new career. We were young pups in a new world...Nothing could stop us or hold us back...except ourselves...
In the end, that was what tore the three muskateers apart...A relationship and the third friend caught in the middle, a place he desperately did not want to be.....We expoded worse than the Death Star...all of us were altered...none were unscaithed...As Shawnand I fell apart, the 3rd party tried to be a friend without taking sides or listening to what happened...And believe me it was a valiant effort. A draining one....to this day I'm sure...I know for a fact there are things he'd rather not know, places he doesn't wanna go, and cans of worms he's rather shelve then open. As for Shawn and I, after a bitter blaze and many heated arguments...we went our separate ways. More his choice than mine at the time, but I didn't want the past to die. And that summer it did. Even though Shawn and I were through, 3rd party and I stayed friends, as he did with Shawn...the tug of war was tough, but he handled it. More than I ever realized, and much better than Shawn and I did. He buffered us, and mellowed me...comforted even though he was hurting inside...desparetly wanting to change the subject, knowing that I couldn't...wouldn't...wasn't ready too....
I'm not proud of everything I did that summer. I listened to those I shouldn't have....Believed lies as truth and truth as lies...My up was down and down was up. I was a messed up girl..a kids really...who's heart was broke back to back.. I couldn't take it. Literally...I wanted to end it...and tried to...3rd party saw how bad I was that night...and turned me away from his house that night...an act that inevitably saved my life...and who walked through the door of my hospital room that day...not Shawn, but 3rd party....I had been asking for him and he came....without us reaching him, he came...and I wept...not because of Shawn, but because he was there for me...ME...and yes, Shawn notified him of what I had done, and where I was (another friend notified him) but when push came to shove, he was there for me..
As he'd always been....
I'd like to admit that this has a fairytale ending, and that we lived happily everafter....It doesn't and we didn't. We grew further and further apart, and lost contact...and found contact...and are learning about each other again...about who were are now...in 2006....not 1998...

But bottom line, this place, the Que, has had special memories, good, bad, bittersweet, that have shaped us all...me especially...

History of my world part one

2006-04-23T23:44:00.000-04:00

I am in a very weird place right now...Literally and figuratively.. I have been feeling restless and antsy...So I went to a spot that will soothe me...A place steep in memories for me, and hopefully for two of my compadres...This was initially journaled on paper. It seemed somewhat blaphemeous to blog in the pristineness of the surrounding...
Years ago, I had two partners in crime....We met in high school, and bonded over chem labs and Spanish class and flip books...We became tight...Tighter than a drum tight... A one for all for one friendship...One of us went away to school, the other two stayed...And became closer...Built a deeper friendship....Someone that I could really trust, and rely on...And given my choice of men, he heard it all, and got many a wet shoulder...But this is not about that....This is a background, a backdrop of history...
This is the setting...My partners in crime and I started coming out ot a local reservoir for god only know what reason...To drink I think...And to be away from everyone else....We'd get a 30 of cold Coors light, or bud if Shawn bought, come out to the dam, and drink and talk, often skipping rocks and empties. I think this initially started cuz I was the last of us three to turn 21. And we could be loud and silly until the wee hours of the morning (which my parents tended to frown upon, since we usually ended up waking them at least once with our frivolity). We dubbed this fishing...All we needed was each other and beer and our night was set and good times had. We were a tight bunch. I can't explain why I meshed so well with my former classmates and lab partners, be we did. Separately, we could be different, Together, indestructible and destructive in our own way...

The summer of 1998 we spent many a night out here at the Que, as it is affectionately known by the locals. We haunted this as much as we did bars at the time...Here we could be silly or ourselves....Here we laughed, and joked, and dreamed...And cared...We all had our own lives that were very separate from each others. Before was never really like that...We were in the real world, eking out existences in interships and a new career. We were young pups in a new world...Nothing could stop us or hold us back...Except ourselves...
In the end, that was what tore the three muskateers apart...A relationship and the third friend caught in the middle, a place he desperately did not want to be.....We exploded worse than the Death Star...All of us were altered...None were unscathed...As Shawn and I fell apart, the 3rd party tried to be a friend without taking sides or listening to what happened...And believe me it was a valiant effort. A draining one....to this day I'm sure...I know for a fact there are things he'd rather not know, places he doesn't wanna go, and cans of worms he's rather shelve then open. As for Shawn and I, after a bitter blaze and many heated arguments...We went our separate ways. More his choice than mine at the time, but I didn't want the past to die. And that summer it did. Even though Shawn and I were through, 3rd party and I stayed friends, as he did with Shawn...The tug of war was tough, but he handled it. More than I ever realized, and much better than Shawn and I did. He buffered us, and mellowed me...Comforted even though he was hurting inside...Desperately wanting to change the subject, knowing that I couldn't...Wouldn't...Wasn't ready too....
I'm not proud of everything I did that summer. I listened to those I shouldn't have....Believed lies as truth and truth as lies...My up was down and down was up. I was a messed up girl..A kids really...Who's heart was broke back to back.. I couldn't take it. Literally...I wanted to end it...And tried to...3rd party saw how bad I was that night...And turned me away from his house that night...an act that inevitably saved my life...And who walked through the door of my hospital room that day...Not Shawn, but 3rd party....I had been asking for him and he came....Without us reaching him, he came...And I wept...Not because of Shawn, but because he was there for me...ME...And yes, Shawn notified him of what I had done, and where I was (another friend notified him) but when push came to shove, he was there for me..
As he'd always been....
I'd like to admit that this has a fairytale ending, and that we lived happily everafter....It doesn't and we didn't. We grew further and further apart, and lost contact...And found contact...And are learning about each other again...About who were are now...In 2006....Not 1998...

But bottom line, this place, the Que, has had special memories, good, bad, bittersweet, that have shaped us all...Me especially...

The world is crashing down around you, but your hair looks great

2006-04-22T23:15:00.000-04:00

I have a lot on my plate now...More than the lack of vehicle...More than the lack of cash...More than the job search...Things much more pressing than unemployment.
No I won't unburden my soul here. No one would listen anyway.

Its just a statement, that the curtains of my emotions don't match the drapes, if you know what I mean.

I am pondering everything going on...Taking it all in, getting a sense of both the big and little pictures...The ripples and the splashes. I won't burden you with the thoughts. Those are mine...The choices of a lifetime are in a rhythm, and I have no beat...And I've thrown the chips...Let them fall where they may...Now some markers are being called in...I played some high stakes game, and it may cost me dearly. For once in my life...I am scared. Deathly afraid of the future...And I don't need shades.

Let's just say I cherish the here and now...Its all I have. No day but today has never been more true.

I know some are concerned...But is it superficial? I know some are genuniunely concerned, but would they show if I was hospitalized? And I know that some didn't sign on for this when they started the ride. Yeah, I need to keep my chin up, but how can one do that when they are slipping under the quicksand...Where I don't rate above casual sex? (with someone other than me)

Where's the love...Even stupid people need love too...Even the mediocre and plain need love too.

Its funny...For as much as I love superheroes, I have none. No white knight or Prince Charming is gonna swoop in at the zero hour and rescue this damsel in distress...Nor will I hike my skirt, turn on my heels and run. But how I will fight, or rebuild what is destroyed? I dunno...Why should I?

Part of me died way back when...I've never fully recovered...My goals and ideals changed...And changed again...And again...You can't hold me to ideas and ideals I once had... Or that you have now? You can't...Not with out trying....Which you won't do.

I gave up...Okay?

You can only beat someone so many times before they don't get up again...

And you can have your lives, and be who you are and who you have become, but not all monkeys evolved from the trees...Don't make me point out that you're not who you were...And what you have done...

But that would only hurt me more. You live your life regardless of my feelings...Because you're you. I accept it...That our lives are more perpendicular than parallel. Do your thing.
Just when you do it be honest...Because I can't handle the drama....Nor can I handle the deceit.

I gave up...Remember...

ALWAYS A BRIDESMAID

2006-04-19T10:13:00.000-04:00

Second best.
That's what I am. I have never been a first round draft pick. Not in gym class, not as a girlfriend. No one has ever stuck by me because they cared. I was the one who was talked about and back stabbed, and then heart broken because the boy I wanted wanted to chase another girl.
You think you make it past certain things in life, and that those trivial hurts shouldn't matter. You're an adult now. You make decisions differently. Or you're supposed to.
Yesterday was especially poignant, since i poured out my heart, and feelings that I wasn't sure how they'd be received to a certain person. It was cool, and the the other person was cool. Until he brought up the past. First hurt was him bringin it up in a casual way. I was still egde, even hours later, so I wasn't in the mindset for that. Secondly, when was trying to be coy and playful, I didn't need another curve ball there. And the girl in question? The one he chased all those years ago.
Is it too much to ask, that for once, it can be about me?
There is alot of hurt in this past. And because a decision was made in high school, a door was shut forever....and it angers me, and bothers me, and yes, hurts me...a "we can't go there because I decided". don't I get a say? Don't I get a chance? What happened to growing up? Being Adults?
Again, I'm second best. In everyone's life.

sweet dream are made of these....not

2006-04-18T14:49:00.000-04:00

Have you ever had a recurring dream, one that unfolds more the more you have it?
Lately I have been having that type of a dream, and yes, cutie you are in it...I'll give you the cliff notes version, and if you want more details...I'll give em to you... Bottom line....I see my own death... Oh, I'm revived...But still...It's like watching an old home movie.. I'm in the hospital....and you're there...we're partnered(married, living together I dunno) because your word goes..And as I'm in the hospital, and you are holding up...my heart stops...and I'm revived...and this happens several times...and you see it...And you're done...you won't allow anyone to see me...not my parents...not Steph...not Jess...and you and Steph almost come to blows over it...And Nick and Nate and their dad is there, and they try to talk to you, and my dad and Steph's dad try...adn you're having none of it...Because you don't want anything to happen to me again...Because you almost lost me...and Steph flips...because she almost lost me too, and she's known me longer... Eventually you relent...because a doctor says this isn't healthy for anyone....but there is all this tension, at what should be a joyous time...And I get my flowers....Oh do I get them... I could even read and remeber the card. Its that freaky and real and vivid. And this is the cliffnotes

And you wonder why I asked you to stay out of my dreams...This was an actual email to cutie...It is too hard to revisit...sorry for the reposting...

I heard the bells

2006-04-16T09:09:00.000-04:00

Happy Easter one and all....
It is a beautiful morning, I sit with my coffee and egg salad sammich enjoying the day, waiting...
Ahh there it is...the bells, the church bells.
I live in a valley that is known as the Conemaugh Gap. Its very scenic and pitcturesque, really. At the base of this gap, for me anyway, is an area of town known as Cambria City. Cambria City was the area of immigrant migration in the late 1880s and early 1900s, so there really is a church and a bar on almost every corner (some have been torn down/sold ect).
On days like today, you can just hear the bells of mass ringing up the hillside. Much like the Grinch, but prettier. St. Stephen's bells come off their organ, so you can hear the opening and closing hymn of mass. St Rochus's ring with joy, and St Clolumba's call the tardy, as do the others...
Its a very pretty and melodic morning...much like the sunshine its a pretty start to the day.

Has every one forgot its good friday?

2006-04-14T16:15:00.000-04:00

I'm back from my interview, and it went very well, or at least I thought so.
Even grocery shopping went well. Yeah I forgot my list and only went to one store instead of both, but I still got everything that I needed. And spread a little good will in the meantime... When I stepped into the store, It was packed...and people were scurring around, frantic in the pre-holiday push to get the perfect fixings for their meals. I decided that, what else did I have to do today but pray, so I took my time..I allowed people to step in front of me, I moved out of others way, said please and and excuse me...much to the shock of my other shoppers...As I mosied about the busy store, allowing the bustlers to b ustle and the hurriers to hurry, I took my time and got what I needed, and smiled at everyone...Hey, why fustrate my self just because they are in a hurry?
Then I stopped in my local bar to pick up a six-pack. I entered WWIII. Two waitresses were in a spat ( as usual) and tried to drag me into it. I am very sympathetic to the both of them, but with the bitterness of the dispute, I just said, Hey! Don't get me in the middle...then as they continued, I suggested that perhaps when the customers complain to one about the other, that they refer the customer to the owner...They didn't really listen, But I was like, look, did you forget that Jesus died today for you? Can you NOT bicker one day...

Now, honestly, I am not overly christian or catholic. I do things that aren't quite in line with the church's teachings, don't get me wrong, but yet there are things, that I was raised with, that I still beleive...And yes, I don't eat meat on Fridays during lent. And I respect Good Friday...out of respect. Makes me wonder what happened to others along the way....when I know how they were raised....

But that's just me...

For all my bitching

2006-04-10T13:03:00.000-04:00

I'm a pundit...for all my bitching and griping...I must say that cutie, AKA him , and I have been getting along well...Smashingly so...even when we fight, we fight nice...

It's scaring me. Either we are over that part of our friendship/relationship/whatever the hell you wanna call it, or we have just come to realize that we are gonna push each others buttons, so at times, it may be better to log off, back down, given in, depending on circumstance.

No I haven't gotten my way. No I haven't won the majority of the arguments...But I've taken a step back and a step away at times..And it seems to be helping...

I think we are both questioning things in life, the universe and everything, and the last thing that we need to be questioning is our friendship.

Because, above all else, I just want him in my life...In any way shape or form...I don't want to lose him again....So even if it's just an occasional email...So be it...And I am content with that. I'd rather have a partner in crime than a life partner....And that is the truth.

an itch to scratch

2006-04-06T14:53:00.000-04:00

Again I mention that I am at my best friend's house watching my nephew....he is sleeping, so I have the chance to ponder and blog....
Her home, other than my own is probably the safest for me...Let me explain...No it's not like I go elsewhere and face poisoning or razor attacks. I have excema. It is getting worse as I age instead of better. This winter has been horrid. It's to the point that when I declare I amk itchy, it's replied with an eh....Think Danny bonaduce announcing he's fucked up or on something...And her house is a "safe house" since her own child haas ezcema more severe than mine...And when I say safe, meaning all clothes are laundered in pure detergent...no harsh chemicals, ect...And not that my own family has it in for me ( well okay maybe) but why should they take precautions for the few times I shower there? Why keep a bar of Dove on hand unless you use it?

But I digress...
And I'm itchy...

how not to travel by traind

2006-04-03T19:07:00.000-04:00

I went to visit my family in New Jersey over the weekend. I took the train since it was just me, and I was looking foward to relaxing on the trip, getting some reading done and basically clearing my head. The way down to Philly was awesome, quiet, simple, noneventful. Basically the complete opposite of my past week, week and a half.
I had a great visit. I basically hung out, spent time with all of my family, had some good laughs, had some great food, saw a greast movie. I had a great time, relaxing and being me. Nothing more. WHICH is not something that happens.
The train trip home, well to put it bluntly was hell. First off, we were packed in. My seat mate was great. Polite, clean, ect. It was the women behind me that made it aweful. One woman threatened to "smack the black off" her child. as well as allowing him to kazoo for 3 hours. The ABC song. Another woman was planning a wedding. Trying to get the most for her buck. Put it this way, it's gonna be a "why you don't let your frugal momma plan your wedding" Computer generated invitaitons check, home bows and floral arrnagemetns (when you have no idea how to do them ) check, Gospel dj check, Gramma making all your food, check, reception hall having no refridgeration, and your planning cold food, check. Then when I decide that the only way to get thru this is to have a beer or two, the club car would only break $10.00 bills and all I had was $20.00

SO this morning I calle amtrak and complained. got a refund on a ticket...still doesn't take the kazoo out of my ear.

Goodbye My Lover

2006-03-23T03:46:00.000-05:00

So things had been going well between my friend and I. I mean yeah, we had our Sunday Night Fight, but we really straightened things out Monday.
Or so I thought. Then he starts blogging about how he knows what he has in his female friends, and just doesn't wanna go there, and again he says it to me, directly. But yet he is also upset when I point out how people in the past, namely his family and best friend at the time, didn't want us together. I mean, we really didn't have a chance before, so why not take it now when we don't have those meddlers around? Why, if you know what you have in me, why don't you take a chance on me?
That's all I really want is a chance. But he has ruled out the possibility.
And doing so, I get to hear about every other chickie that he pays a compliment to.
And he contradicts himself so much. He's not talking to anyone else, he's still talking to them. It's like, stop with the lies, I'm a big girl. I can handle this. Or at least get through it somehow. And whenever we do talk, and are making headway in an important subject to me...He has to go. And not like a 5 minute grab a sammich or switch laundry around. It's the 30 minutes later deal. Well I don't want to wait.
And I still want flowers, dammit.
I have been having a recurring dream, where I am in the hospital, and he brings me a rose for every year he's known me.
Yeah...He won't even get me the 2.50 bouquet from Wal-Mart.
There are times I really hate him, because he just doesn't get it. Look, I can't keep drawing you a map or a diagram or creating a Rosetta Stone for you to figure shit out. And, in that same token, quit doing the little things that you know touch me to my very soul. Stop that. Stop making me love you. Because, boy, you have no idea just how much I love you right now.

Comedic Gold

2006-03-22T15:32:00.000-05:00

So there was a "situation" in downtown Pittsburgh this afternoon. I use the word lightly.
http://www.wpxi.com/news/8188236/detail.html

So it goes like this. A "very realistic looking gun" was seen. The city shut down. Turned out to be a man shooting pigeons.

The best was the reporters, as they turned from worry and concern to disdain and sarcasm.

"The only casualites, were to some pigeons"
'Hopefully charges will be pressed, because you can't shut down the downtown because you don't like birds."
"It was a very realistic looking gun, esp from five stories below."
"Just because it's an air rifle doesn't mean you want to get shot with it!"

Channel 11 news, thnks for that nugget of joy!

Look, just because it didn't have a compass and a stock and a thing which tell time, doesn't make it any less of an air rifle.

We now take you back to your regularly scheduled programming....

Unmentionables

2006-03-21T08:06:00.000-05:00

Now its time to get serious.
I have to get something off my chest. I mean this. I'm gonna go there!
Underwear.
First off, I used to work for Victoria's Secret for about 3 years, and if I didn't have weird views about underwear, I have them now.
Everything coordinates if not matches. I have no problem wearing a push up bra and thongs. But I have to sleep in granny panties. Just a comfort thing.
My friends laugh. But yet, when they want a water bra, they know who to come to.
My latest faves are the tanga panties, which sit a little higher up than the boyshorts. Cutie pie seems to dig them over the thongs....But Cutie pie is in serious danger of losing panty privileges. Now ladies, you KNOW what I am talking about. You wear the sexy undies when he's around...Let's face it, nothing like having a sexy romp, to undress to cotton panties and a sports bra....Not that it can't be done! But hey hey! You go to a club, you're flirting all night....The sexy undies are the icing on the cake that will seal the deal..But when Cutie pie isn't being quite so cute? Well, he loses panty privileges. Make him think about his behavior, if you know what I mean. And hey hey! Cutie pie knows what drawers I have in my drawers....So yanno...Just the threat alone...
And I'm not knockin lingerie....I got enough of that too...but sometimes the heat of the moment catches you up, and it's not like you have time to say wait wait..I need to put the merrywidow/corset/bodystocking on. That is a moment to UNDRESS ;) No No, it is much better to have it on underneath, if you can. If not Bra, panties, garterbelt and stockings....remove as necessary!
Some of my friends ideas of lingerie is reminiscent of my gramma. Not knocking them, and hey, I love flannel too, but, you really need to have a piece or two to really rock your man's world, knowwhatImean? Nothing wrong with stockings..Or hooker boots....Nothing.
And see, for me, sexy undies is empowering. I feel more confident in them. Even if cutie pie doesn't see my V-string, well, I know what's under there. Even if I am in pj pants all day,the question is,what's underneath em....

LIES

2006-03-19T16:19:00.000-05:00

Lies.

They are the undermining of everything.
Let me explain. I talked to a certain assbag today. He can't see me in April...He is too busy..But he can go away with is buddies over this past weekend and have a sucky time.
So I finally bring up some of the things that have been hurting and bothering me...Trying to be indirect, since the dead on hits, only shut him down. Except that, well, the subtleties don't register in his busy mind. So he hurts me yet again, and when I FINALLY lay it out ther, this is his response....
me: And how am I to stomach your lies?
dickhead: i dunno
me: Will you just stop lying to me/
me: The thing that hurts the most is that I see thru them
dickhead: i haven't lied in like the past 72 hours with you
me: No, but the past 2.5 months have been fullof em
me: and you haven't talked to me inthe past 72 hours TO lie to me
me: nevermind
me: not that I matter
dickhead: ok, i need nap
me: exactly
dickhead is away at 4:01:34 PM.
me: You nap, you had such a stressful weekend....
Auto response from dickhead: I am napping. I'm not here.

That is a pathetic post...
he was with his buddies...I try to address real shit...but no!
Only to be shut down by his need to nap.

Family ties

2006-03-19T13:34:00.000-05:00

Okay, everyone has someone in their family that they are not proud of, whether it is crazy Uncle Jimmy, or Drunken Uncle Paul, or Aunt Susie, who has 83 cats and is nuttier than a fruitcake. But what if you have a whole branch of your family tree that fits that description?
Let me first explain. Not many people who know me have met this crew. And for good reason. I like them. I try to sheild as many as possible from this crew. And the main reason is, well, that their lifestyle is very different from my own.
Not that I judge anyone based on that. No, let me explain. These people make consistently, well, bizarre choices, that lead to many farfetched sounding stories. Unfortunately, they're all true. Some even have the police documentation to prove it.
Before I get to the highlights, let me just point out that these folks TRIED to go on Springer, and he said NO WAY.
Let me get to some high (or low) points of the family:
And really, each member could have a section.
First off, to figure out who is who, you need a diagram. Seriously. There are 6 kids, with kids, and so many love quandrangles that even General Hospital isn't this convuleted.
Secondly, Paternity testing, Disability and government funding are a way of life. Work is a nasty 4 letter word in this family.
That said...
It is okay to squat land to build a "cottage", since you need to get away every now and again. And in digging the foundation for a deck, it is okay, that when you find a human skull, to mount it on your front gate post. Even better, to get pissed when the FBI shows up to "investigate".
It is perfectly okay to let your 5 year old ride hogs instead of going to school. Then turn around and try to sue the school district, because the same child is "developmentally disabled".
It is okay for your ex to sleep with your sister's ex, as long as they share the crack with you.
It is okay when your sister is dating someone that you disapprove of that you go and take an Aluminum ball bat to there door. It's even better when you get stabbed because you did so. And then go to your cousin's wedding the next day.
It is okay to have visible panty lines. Or wear a bright green thong under a white dress to a wedding.
It is okay at your wedding, when they say "you may now kiss the bride" to slip her the tongue. It is better to have photos of it. And if your wife leaves you, you must build a shrine in her honor.
It is a good thing to expand you home to accomodate your growing family. It is better when you use a Sheetz sign and telephone poles, or a storage shed to do so.
It is good to take others in. And then refer to them as Gramma Flo, or Aunt Jean. It's even better if you put your children out to do so.
It is always good to establish paternity. You never want it recounted in a jail cell to another family member.
It is good to think of ways to multitask single use items. Like an exercise bike.
If your having a family get together, remember to have converstion topics like, your mates prowess in bed, who you ripped off this week, who you are gonna rip off, and scamming the government. Also be sure to have non family members present, to take up valuable seating and consume large portions of food.
Reproduce. Alot. Preferrably with multiple persons.

Here's you clue, Alex

2006-03-16T09:53:00.000-05:00

Okay....Since I have a friend who is oblivious to most things. And has short term memory loss. I am gonna create an open letter of what exactly my deal is. If nothing else, I'll feel better for getting off my chest.

Open Letter to Will (yes dear, I mean you) or should I say Willenium (so you really know I mean you)

You have hurt me, again. This is really getting old. I grow weary of the general guise of "busy-ness" that you use. So, since you claim you don't know how or when you are hurting me, I am gonna make a list.

1> Jackass. I RUINED YOUR GOOD TIME? You almost raped me when I refused to have sex with you in nick's basement. Gee. I guess I really am no fun.
2> Marci. You could take her to see a movie, but I got to bring DVD's to your apartment. GREAT.
3> Alicia, your Ali. I finally find a movie we could see together, and offer to pay. Do we go? OOOOH NOOOO. We have to ask Ali if it is okay that you see it with me, since you had talked about going to see it with her. Mood killer.
4>Pretty much the whole month of December. Let's see. The new cell phone. Which I don't have the number. You claim you don't have one, but how are folk s contacting you for freelance gigs? Melissa. Remember this barslut? The one you hung out with instead of letting me come down to give you your Xmas present? Then when we did see each other, it was after work and we were both tired.
5> When was the last time we hung out that your weren't hung over/tired from the night before. Or from doing "Chores"? And how many times did you bail on our plans?
6> Remember how I asked you for flowers, to prove that I mattered to you? you told me no.
7> Remember how you promised to make it up to me? Still waiting.
8>Remember how you promised that you weren't going to bail on me, only to bail on me the very time we had plans
9> Remember the wasted comedy tickets?And sub from that night? No cuz you bailed.
10> Do me a favor, you have time to go to Erie, so while you are up there, GET A GODDAMN CELL PHONE!
11> Remember how you told me you were living with Nick, and it turns out that you bought a house? And you lied about it?
12> Remember that I found this out through a personal ad you posted?
13> Lets not forget you made me cry on my birthday. Because you mentioned another girl during sex. A friend of mine.
14> Remember I had a miscarriage to you? So now everytime you whine about really wanting a baby, it's like a sucker punch.
15> How about your ideal woman? Isn't that what you have in me? But, as you have said, paraphrasing, I'm not good enough for you anymore, and basically, you'd be stooping down to be with me, and you can't so that.
16> How about the fact that I am the only one who ever comments on your personal ads? Or the fact that I cared enough to get you something for Valentine's Day, when no one else had. Where were your "friends" then. Oh wait, with their MEN!
17> Why can't you see me for who I am? How everyone else sees me? How you used to?

That's it I can't do this anymore.....There are more hurts....

I am not gonna be around forever...You need to realize that...Take me or leave me....

Becky.....

PS LADIES HE'S STILL AVAILABLE! (Any wonder why?)

Since I won't show you my titties, I guess I'm not a friend

2006-03-16T06:24:00.000-05:00

Okay, so I have a myspace issue. What do you do when you come across a friend's "space" and find info out on it that said friends has not told you? And I'm not talking an loathing of strawberries or an infatuation with Sarah Michelle Gellar. I'm talking major things. Like buying a house major. How does one bring that up in a conversation? "Hey man, Saw your myspace. Yeah I dig creamsicles too. Next time I'm over, I'll bring a box. Consider it a HOUSEWARMING gift." While that is the direct way, so that they then indeed know exactly what you are referring to. And yes, I have tried the subtle, "hey man, anything new?" but there I get a bunch of bullshit and lies. Which brings me to the next issue? Is it prying, if it's posted on a myspace? Okay, even if I don't personally invite you to read this, and you find it, or you find my myspace, and you read something on there, should I be pissed that you read what I posted? I mean, you POSTED IT ON THE INTERNET fuckwad. I didn't break into your house and steal your diary. I didn't hack into a mainframe to get to your static home IP address while you were at work and peruse your hard drive. And should I be slightly offended that a real friend doesn't add me to their friend's list, but chicks with titties showin are on there? I pointed it out to one, and he told me to get real. Then again, this coming from the man who is too busy to buy a cell phone, but yet he bought a house. I point blank asked if it was because I wasn't as pretty as the other girls, which I am not. I'm not homely, but I am no size 3 22 year old either. I am a real woman with curves.

Which brings me to another issue. Chores are tangible, right? Some chores, anyway...I mean, you do them as necessary for usage or cleanliness. Like, if you DON'T clean the bathroom today, the toilet isn't going to implode? Do they make imploding toilets? So if I offered to take you to dinner and a movie, and I'm driving at least 90 minutes to hang out with you, I am gonna take offense to hear laundry or dishes need done. Dude you have 90 minutes to throw a load or two in. 90 minutes to vacuum. This is especially lame when I ask on Saturday about Sunday! Do it today. Again, the machine won't implode if you load it on different day.

AAARg.

maybe its time to rethink this "friendship", because I am constantly getting hurt here. And we won't get into all the times he stood me up.

Vacation all I ever wanted...

2006-03-15T17:52:00.000-05:00

Okay, so I am going away at the end of the month to visit my sister in law and family in NJ. Just me. No one else. Can not wait. I am thinking that I need to burn some special tunage for the trip. 5 hours one way uninterupted drive time. 5 hours uninterupted tune time. It will really give me time to think about some things. I have a lot on my mind, and this may help me sort out, or at lest prioritze that I need to do. It is gonna, if nothing else, give me a new view on things.
Also, my cousin Jessie and I are talking about going to the beach together this summer. I have never had a vacation away. This may be actually fun. We haven't decided if it will be girls only or not? And if not....hrm....would he deserve to go anyway?

I'd like to buy a clue Alex

2006-03-15T12:38:00.000-05:00

What do you do, when someone tells you there problems, you have a solution, are willing to help them, and they are too stubborn to see what is in front of them? And that the solution is at hand?
And how do you hold back the "you stupid fuck? It's right here Comments?"

Hungry like da wolf

2006-03-15T10:51:00.000-05:00

Okay, so I went to bed at like 10pm last night. I had a raging migraine that I just couldn't shake. I slept until after 8am this morning. I needed that. I even left my CPAP on for a good bit of the night, so it was a good sleep.
Today, I am going gorcery shopping later. Ihave to make a list, or else I forget to by things, such as bread, but come home with 8 cans of corn. I may check out some recipes to figure out what I need as well. I like going only once a month, for the bulk of it, then little trips for milk and bread thru out. I tried going every week, or every pay, but I just spent too damn much and ended up eating out as well.
I love to cook, sometimes hate the clean up. And if I've had a busy day, i just don't want to deal with it, truth be told. So I have been scouting the web, looking for easy, but yet yummy recipes to make during the week, or I make a big batch of say taco bake, or pasta salad that I can have when feeling lazy. Even worse, I hate wasted left overs. So that limits me as well. Also, there are things Brad just won't eat. Like any cooked veggie, except corn and red beets. For me, well, I'll eat anything buy brussle sprouts. So because of that, I buy a lot of frozen, single or doubel serve portions, just so I don't waste em. Yeah, I know the fresh is cheaper and better for you, but have you ever seen moldy cauliflower? Nough said.

Dilemma

2006-03-15T10:09:00.000-05:00

Okay, so I have a slight dilemma.

I have strong feeligs for a man, that who at one point would have returned them. Now I fear its too little, too late. And every time he starts to open up, another wall goes up, blocking me out. I am emotionally devistated over this. I have no idea what to do, or where to go.

Only that I love him.

Not so refreshing now, aye?

2006-03-14T10:17:00.000-05:00

Okay, so Jessie and I went to the burg yesterday. We had a great time. We talked, and laughed and listened to some really bad tunes. We ran over a couple of Mayo packs in the parking lot as we pulled in. All you heard was "prrrk" I was like "Dude, you ran over something."
Looking over at the car next to, the guy in it gives me a dirty look. I look at his rear door and quarterpanel and notice a creamy white substance, sprayed all over it, much like brain matter from a CSI show. I lost it. As I am giggling hysterically, Jessie looks over, sees it, see the dude and was like get out! We book out of the car, like there was a shoe sale or something.

So we shopped. We really didn't find anything, but that is okay. We decided to head home around 230-300. It was gonna storm, and due to all the construction on 22, we didn't feel the need to be in it driving. Along the way we stopped so I could get something to drink. I grabbed water and gatorade, since my throat was still dry from the other day. Well, as I am drinking gatorade, and claiming how refreshing it is, Jessie's is cracking up. There is a number on the bottle to call for questions or comments. She was like DUDE you need to call.
So I did.
I my most deadpan, professional voice, I let the CSR know that "I was very thirsty, I was almost quite partched" and then I bought the gatorade, and "not only was my thirst quenched, but I was finding it delightfully refreshing." She thanked me and we hung up. Jessie is snorting and crying from laughing so hard. So as we are laughing, I go to take a drink. She says something that makes me laugh, midswallow. I end up aspirating (goes down the wrong pipe for the layfolk) the damn gatorade. I am choking, I can't get enough air. Every inhalation causes a coughing fit bringing up more gatorade, which I can't expel swallow. This went on for 10 -15 minutes. Apparently I was a purple as my beverage.
Did I mention this whole time Jessie is laughing her ass off, trying to drive? Thanks buddy.

Finally I got enough out that I could breathe again. But I am still feeling the after affects. I have had to use my inhaler, and every now and again, I sound like a stroke victim, with a very wet voice.
Damn you gatorade, damn you!!

Getting to know you

2006-03-14T08:58:00.000-05:00

Well, since this is my first blogger post, I thought I'd start with the basics.
I'm 29, married, have a 13 y/o daughter. I live in southwestern PA. I work for a screenprinter, and I do the printing as well as managing the office. My life is chaotic at times, mellow bordering boring the others. I think I break this down to the 100 things you don't know about me.

1. I was named after my grandfather (middle name, Jo)
2. I live in what was his house.
3. I am the fourth generation to live here.
4. I am actually a registered respiratory therapist (RRT).
5. I hold an associates degree in respiratory care from the University of Pittsburgh, Johnstown
6. I haven't worked as an RRT since 2003.
7. I have been a retail assistant manager, for both Victoria's Secret and Dots.
8. I have known my best friend since kindergarten
9. I once locked her in a locker. She's forgiven me
10. I have one brother, Matt, who's married
11. I have 5 inlaws thru my hubby, whom are almost all attached.
12. I have 2 nieces and 4 nephews thru hubby. The oldest is 26. The youngest is 3.
13. I am very close with my inlaws, esp the oldest niece.
14. My dad is McGuyver. No really.
15. He is also my hero.
16. I know how to maintain a road inWestern Pa in the winter.
17. I have lived on one piece of property for 27 of my 29 years.
18.I am allergic to cats.
19. I had 3 as pets (Sparky, Gary, Tommy D. Cat).
20.I had 2 dogs growing up. (Charlie Brown and Simone)
21. I was bitten my a beagle named Snoopy (evil little dog)
22. I am the oldest grandchild on my dad's side, the second oldest, and first girl on my mom's
23. My daughter and I share the same godmother.
24. I am a godmother to 2 boys and a girl.
25. Even though I practice Catholism, I haven't been to mass in awhile.
26. I played soccer in elementary school.
27. I went to a catholic school.
28. I was (am) a nerd.
29. I went to public high school.
30. I graduated 11th in my class, with highest honors.
31. I focused on journalism.
32. I had a nationally syndicated column at 16 and a book deal offer.
33. Katie Couric wanted to meet me (I said no).
34. My uncle died of throat cancer and made me want to go into respiratory care instead of journalism.
35. I lost a loved one every year of high school.
36. Math and Science are my two weakest subjects.
37. My senior year my lab partners started a fire in the chem lab.
38. I still talk to one of them.
39. I am very close with some of my cousins.
40. I grew up with a pool, and love to swim.
41. I also grew up with a fish tank.
42. I have a 29 gallon one here. With 3 fish.
43. I collect bears. Stuffed, resin, boyds...
44. I still have my first one.
45. I love to read.
46. I usually have a book with me at all times.
47. I named my first bear after a book, Madeline.
48. I have poor vision, but usually wear contacts.
49. I have excema, bad.
50. I have mild dyslexia.
51. Both of my thumbs have been completely dislocated.
52. I snore. BAAAD. I have sleep apnea.
53. I am claustrophobic.
54. I hate spiders.
55. I always have to sleep or nap with a cover on.
56. I watch waaay to much TV.
57. Its usually nothing of substance.
58. I know way to much about Pop Culture.
59. I have a great sense of humor, though it is dark at times
60. I use humor to get me through tough times.
61. I am very sarcastic.
62. It's gotten me in trouble.
63. I'm very selfconscious.
64. I have a wing habit.
65. I am a known chocoholic.
66. I get the same cake every year for my birthday. (triple chocolate with fudge icing).
66. I prefer diet soda.
67. I drink a lot of Kool-aid.
68. I am good cook.
69. I can make a lot of dishes from my childhood, such as pierghi, from scratch.
70. I have a sensitivity to light.
71. It came after I got the chicken pox.
72. Which was my senior year, right before prom.
73. The only cars I have ever wrecked have been Chevys.
74. Three weren't mine. Those were due to road conditions, or deer.
75. I love musicals. Rent is my current fave.
76. I am still hooked on Days of Our lives, but I find it more funny now.
77. I watch a lot of daytime court TV. It cracks me up.
78. I hate artificial strawberry flavoring.
79. I drink a lot of milk.
80. But only skim.
81. I am obsessive, compulsive.
82. Its very obvious when I clean.
83. My friends put me to good use with that.
84. I hate doing dishes.
85. I don't leave the house without makeup on.
86. I have a tendency to wear pj pants during the day.
87. If I get cold, I put my robe on, even if I am fully dressed.
88. I hate being called my given name. Rebecca
89. Most people call me Beck. Even strangers when I worked in retail.
90. I hate wearing a name tag.
91. I have WAAAY too much clothing.
92. I get car sick, sometimes even I am driving.
93. I've flown only in a helicopter.
94. I love rollercoasters.
95. Heights terrify me.
96. I am double jointed in my ankles.
97. I can't drink liquor. Not one ounce. I black out.
98. I can drink beer like it is going out if style.
99. I am allergic to yeast, so there for beer.
100. I'm not concise. Ever.